A new way of networking
Harsh truth: Networking is dead… at least in the traditional sense of the word networking. You don’t get anywhere by accumulating thousands of transactional personal and professional connections. You get somewhere by building genuine relationships:
- Giving with no intention of receiving in return.
- Acting in the service of others.
- Creating value for those around you.
Those who invest in building relationships rather than networking will reap the most valuable long-term rewards – health, wealth and happiness. Whether you’re moving to a new area, starting a new job, progressing in your current career, going to a professional event or just want to make new friends, here are four core anti-networking principles that anyone can use…
Principle 1: Find Value-Aligned Rooms
Put yourself into rooms with a high density of value-aligned individuals. What this means: Think about your core values, hobbies, and professional and personal interests, then consider what “rooms” are likely to filter for people with a similar set of values and interests.
For example: If you’re a dog-owner and love being outside, local dog parks, outdoor beer gardens or walking trails would likely have a high density of others with similar interests.
The point here is that you can increase your odds of meeting people with whom you will connect by putting yourself in the rooms where several levels of filtering have already occurred before you even arrive.
- If you’re passionate about fitness and health, frequent the local farmers’ market, the gym in the early morning and local hiking trails.
- If you’re focused on your career in marketing, look up any local marketing mixers or events and attend any social media or creator conferences.
- If you’re into books and art, find a local book club, go to art-gallery openings and join the local museum community.
In professional tracks, the rooms are usually easier to find as your business or company will have specific conferences, events and dinners you’ll often be encouraged to attend. In your personal life, you will need to do a bit more work to find these rooms.
Place yourself in the right rooms and you’ll already be well positioned to build new relationships.
Principle 2: Ask Engaging Questions
Once you’re in the rooms, strike up conversations with new people. A warm hello and a smile is generally a great place to start, as it tends to be disarming and cut the tension in any situation.
From there, these go-to questions often create reliably engaging discourse:
- What’s your connection to [insert current place or event]?
- What are you most excited about currently?
- What’s lighting you up outside of work?
- What’s your favorite book you’ve read recently?
Always avoid, “What do you do?” as a question. It’s generic and generally gets you a cookie-cutter, automated response or an uncomfortable one if people don’t feel proud of their work. “What are you most excited about right now?” leads to more personal, interesting replies and increased conversational momentum.
If you’re socially anxious, much of your nervousness in these situations arises from a self-induced pressure to be “interesting” to other people. Flip it around – focus on being interested. Ask engaging questions. It’s much easier and more effective.
Principle 3: Become a Level 2 and Level 3 Listener
There is a concept that there three levels of listening:
Level 1
“Me” listening: You’re having a conversation, but your internal voice is relating everything you hear to something in your own life. Your internal voice runs off on tangents – you’re thinking about your own life while the other person is talking. You’re waiting to speak, not listening to learn. This is the default mode of listening for everyone.
Level 2
“You” listening: You’re having a conversation and you’re deeply focused on what the other person is saying. You’re not waiting to speak – you’re listening to learn.
Level 3
“Us” listening: You’re building a map of the other person, understanding how all the new information being shared fits into that broader map of the person’s life and world. You’re listening to understand, considering the layers beneath what the other person is saying.
Most people default to level one listening, but charismatic people have a practiced intention around level two and level three listening. If you want to build new, genuine relationships, you have to live in levels two and three.
Be a loud listener, which means after you ask questions, lean in and show your focus and presence with body language, facial expressions and sounds.
Make mental notes of a few pertinent facts about the person’s interests or anything else that jumps out to you. These will become relevant alongside Principle 4.
Principle 4: Use Creative Follow-Ups
When a conversation has run its course, don’t feel pressured to keep it going. Exit gracefully. “It was so great meeting you, I look forward to seeing you again soon!” works well in any personal or professional setting. If it makes sense, you can offer to share contact information for the future.
Following the conversation, log the mental notes you made in your phone or a notebook and create a plan to follow up in the days ahead.
A few ideas for thoughtful, creative follow-ups include:
- Share an article or podcast that you think the person will like for a specific reason.
- Provide value in the form of a new idea related to one of the points of professional tension that was uncovered in the conversation.
- Offer to connect the person with a friend who has a shared interest.
The aim is to show you were listening and that you took the initiative to follow up. Playing hard to get is childish. Invest energy in building new, genuine relationships and they will reward you.
Social wealth hacks
- Happiness is not a destination but a direction – how you travel through life and with whom you travel is what counts.
- People are made for love – we all crave it and we can find something lovable in just about everyone we meet. We don’t always give it or accept it because we make a lot of mistakes, but love is what all our hearts desire.
- People who disagree on politics can still enjoy close relationships.
- Happy people love people, use things and worship the divine. Unhappy people use people, love things and worship themselves.
- It’s a bad trade to be special rather than happy. That’s what people are doing when they choose the fourteenth hour of work before the first hour with their children.
- Approach all disagreements with your partner not as a “me” but as a “we”. The most harmonious couples are the ones who learn to play on the same team. Their predominant mode of interaction is collaborative, not competitive.
- Happiness does not depend on a certain net worth, family configuration or set of ideological views. It requires that you be generous in love and allow others to love you.
- Talk to people unlike you. The social path of least resistance is to stay in your traditional friend group, where interactions are familiar and easy. The social path of greatest benefit is to stray from that traditional group and expose yourself to new beliefs, mindsets and views.
- Treat your fights like exercise. It will be painful, sure, but you shouldn’t be unhappy about doing it regularly because it makes you stronger – especially if you do it in a spirit of growth, not contempt.
- Focus on your relationships. Don’t leave their quality and intensity to chance. Treat them with the kind of seriousness that people usually reserve for their money or career.
- Say exactly what you mean. No one – not even your family – can read your mind.
- Don’t treat your family like emotional ATMs. When people treat their family as a one-way valve of help and advice – usually, it’s parents giving and children receiving – relationships suffer.
- Make friendship an end in itself, not a stepping-stone to something else.
- Feelings are contagious – don’t spread the virus of misery.
- Put on your own oxygen mask first. Work on your own happiness before trying to help others. Forgoing your own joy for the sake of another person might seem like the more virtuous path, but that is a lose-lose strategy.
- Don’t focus on looks and status in others. Good teeth and a high-paying job don’t predict faithfulness and kindness. Seek out evidence of the two latter traits.
- If you’re trying to make conversation with people who intimidate you, ask what they’re currently working on that they’re most excited about. Ask follow-ups and listen intently.
- When someone is going through hell, saying, “I’m with you,” is the most powerful thing you can do. Be the “darkest-hour friend” to those you love.
- If you’re torn on what gift to send someone, send a book you love.
- Carry a pocket notebook and pen with you everywhere you go. If someone says something interesting, take it out and write it down.
- If you have too many deal friends, you won’t have enough real friends.
- If you’re about to take an emotion-induced action, wait 24 hours. Actions taken in the heat of the moment have broken many relationships. Don’t fall into that trap.
- Stop trying to be interesting and focus on being interested. Interested people give their deep attention to something to learn more about it. They open up to the world, and ask great questions and observe. Being interested is how you become interesting.
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