Photography: Kirsty Joy Creative.
In the heartbreaking months after former Black Fern Charmaine Smith lost her unborn baby Marama at 16 weeks’ pregnant in September last year, the future felt painfully uncertain.
While she still longed to give her daughter Amīria a younger sibling, she was determined not to place expectations on herself as she navigated one of the most difficult chapters of her life. So she and fiancé Tamati Thompson surrendered their plans to fate.
But as she turned the page on a new year, Charmaine was overwhelmed with happiness to discover she was pregnant once more. While she will always carry Marama with her, the police officer says she doesn’t want to let fear hold her back from embracing this gift.
“We don’t want to ever forget Marama – we want to honour her – but we are equally excited for this baby to be part of our family,” she says.
“I didn’t want to go through this whole pregnancy and be scared about another loss. It’s been really hard mentally to not go down that rabbit hole. But I do think that grief and joy exist at the same time.”
A big sister in waiting
However, when those hard days inevitably come up, Charmaine says it is her daughter Amīria’s infectious joy that helps her through. The four-year-old has been desperate for a younger sibling and is already working hard to connect with the new family member.
“She would like a sister, so I’m a little worried for him if the baby comes out a boy,” laughs Charmaine.
“She sings to my belly – well, she thinks it’s singing, but she’s screaming at my stomach. When the baby comes out, they’re going to know her voice.”
While she was prepared to deal with the relentless morning sickness of the first trimester, one of the surprising challenges of Charmaine’s pregnancy has been sharing her happy news publicly.
Finding joy after loss
Last September, after learning Marama had a chromosomal condition and would not survive, Charmaine found comfort online by connecting with parents who had endured similar heartbreak. Their stories helped carry her through some of her darkest days. That’s why she felt an unexpected guilt about announcing her pregnancy.
“It probably sounds weird, but I’ve found it harder to share the pregnancy than the loss,” she says.
“I know how it feels when you’re going through something and someone else is sharing their pregnancy. So I’ve been a lot more conscious of it. But I do think it’s important to share the joy that can follow after a hard loss.”
September will be an emotional month for the family. They will welcome their new baby, mark the first anniversary of Marama’s passing, and, just one week after Charmaine’s due date, celebrate Amīria’s fifth birthday as she heads off to school.
A new kind of juggle
Charmaine says she and Tamati, both 35, have already called in back-up to navigate the busy period.
“I’m actually a bit anxious about it,” she admits.
“I’ve had a baby before, but I’ve never had a baby with another tiny human to keep alive and take to school. I’ve already warned everyone close to me that I may be calling on them for SOS school drop-off help.”
Even without the baby hormones, Charmaine knows she will be a mess when it comes to sending her big girl to school. But she takes comfort in the fact that Amīria will be in her element.
“She’s such a social butterfly – she loves meeting new people and making new friends,” says Charmaine.
“Daycare told me the other day that she’s definitely going to be a leader. I’ve got anxiety about it, but she’s feeling fine.”
As she looks to the future, Charmaine isn’t ruling out the idea of more children, but after almost a decade with Tamati, the most important item on her to-do list is finally walking down the aisle.
“I would like to get married before I’m too old,” she laughs.
“And I do have some unfinished business with rugby. Who knows what things look like in the future?”
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