Pictures: Tessa Burrows
It was love at first sight when Rāwā met Frankie – an instant connection. They found each other via a dating app and, on their first date at a Christchurch café, discovered they had a lot in common.
“We had the same values and aspirations,” explains Rāwā. Frankie adds, “Three days later, I told a friend that I’d met the man I thought I was going to marry.”
That was back in 2019. Today, Canterbury couple Rāwā and Frankie Karetai Wood-Bodley are not only happily married, but they’re also the parents of beautiful 14-month-old baby Hiwa-i-te-Rangi.
Their journey to reach this point has meant overcoming obstacles many other parents never have to face. They’ve even recorded it in TVNZ documentary Trans And Pregnant.
Frankie, 31, is a nonbinary trans man who looks male thanks to surgery and hormone therapy, and has always wanted to have a child. Meanwhile, Rāwā, 37, is a bisexual man who thought he was running out of time to have kids of his own.
“I was very clear on what I wanted from a partner, so quite early on, I asked Rāwā three questions,” explains Frankie, who uses the pronouns they/them. “I asked if he wanted to be married, monogamous and have children. Thankfully, he said yes to all of those things because if the answer had been no, we would have just had to stay friends.”
People often assume that baby Hiwa was born via a surrogate. However, since Frankie is physically able to conceive and carry a baby, the couple was determined to take the natural route. That meant Frankie had to stop injections of the hormone testosterone, which they have been on for six years, and cope with a body that was starting to look and feel womanly again.
“I prepared for the worst,” tells Frankie, whose memories of how bad they felt before transitioning are still vivid.
“There was so much about my life back then that was different. I wasn’t seen as I was. I had to fight for space and it wasn’t easy. For us, this was a deliberate choice and we were doing it for a really positive reason, so that helped.”
It took time for the testosterone to work itself out of Frankie’s system. When they did manage to conceive, sadly, the first two pregnancies ended in miscarriage. This was most likely because Frankie suffers from a condition called hypothyroidism, which affects fertility and increases risks in pregnancy.
Once the treatment for that was adjusted, there was another positive pregnancy test. This time, Frankie and Rāwā were cautiously hopeful.
“At 25 weeks, that’s probably when we allowed ourselves to get excited,” recalls Frankie. “We were in the UK on holiday and came back with a whole suitcase of baby essentials.”
Apart from some morning sickness, Frankie’s pregnancy progressed smoothly. “Hiwa was a large baby. He was born at 4.1kg and I was basically as wide as I am tall by the end of it. But I enjoyed it. What an amazing thing for the human body to be able to do.”
The couple has surrounded themselves with caring family and friends, but there have been times when they’ve been out and about, and sensed they’re attracting attention.
“If we’re at the mall, people often do look sideways,” says Rāwā.
Adds Frankie, “And I’ve been asked where my wife is and why she isn’t changing the nappy. But on the whole, people are really accepting and we stay away from the haters.”
The doco follows the couple during their at-home birth, with intimate footage of them in the birthing pool together, with Rāwā catching his newborn son in his arms.
“I didn’t know that was going to happen,” admits Frankie. “He was adamant that he wasn’t going to catch the baby. Then suddenly, he asked our midwife when he should get into the pool. I thought, ‘Well, that’s a plot twist, but the more the merrier!’”
Since his arrival, Hiwa has been a dream baby, sleeping well from the get-go and with just a few teething issues.
“He’s a lot of fun and his personality is coming out a lot more now,” enthuses Rāwā. “He loves to laugh and dance, and he’ll climb on virtually anything. He’s very curious and smart. He’s also got a favourite parent and, unfortunately, that’s not Frankie!”
Rāwā thinks their strong bond may be partly because he held the newborn baby on his chest for nine hours when Frankie needed to go to hospital to have the placenta removed. And as Frankie has had “top surgery” so was unable to breastfeed, they both gave Hiwa his bottles of donor milk.
Fatherhood does have some extra challenges for Rāwā. He suffers from chronic pain following a childhood accident, making it very difficult to keep up with their active little boy.
“We’ve always wanted to have more children, but it’s hard on my body. We’re just trying to find the right balance,” he explains.
Adds Frankie, “I think we’ll wait till the new year. There’s a bit of prep required. Getting off testosterone is an absolute must and hopefully this time it won’t take as long.”
When Hiwa was born, Frankie’s father was very sick with Parkinson’s disease. Having him able to hold his only grandchild was very special. Meanwhile, Rāwā’s mum shares their home and her support has been invaluable.
Hiwa is at kōhanga reo now. At home, his parents speak to him te reo Māori and English, so he’ll grow up bilingual.
“He very much runs the kōhanga, even though he was, until recently, the youngest person there,” says Frankie. “He’s got a lot of thoughts, feelings and opinions, and he’s not afraid to share them.”
Both Frankie and Rāwā have a background in human rights advocacy. The experience of being trans and pregnant has led to them working with healthcare services, sharing their experience and raising awareness, to help make things more inclusive and easier to navigate.
They hope that the documentary will encourage others in the rainbow community who are dreaming of starting a family.
“But the main thing is to help show people that our life is very normal,” says Frankie. “We’re bringing light to something that’s happened in the shadows for decades and showing that it’s just a very normal existence.”
Trans And Pregnant is now streaming on TVNZ+.
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