Selina Nunn
Parents Kylie and Ben Collins were snuggled up at home watching the 2021 Olympics when their unborn son began kicking and flipping inside Kylie’s rounded belly.
Excited for the arrival of their fifth child, whose sex was a surprise, the Christchurch couple joked their energetic bub was a future Olympian.
But just a day later, following a routine midwife appointment, the terrified mum, who was 42 weeks pregnant, was rushed to hospital by ambulance.
Devastatingly, their precious son’s heart had stopped.
“I went to my midwife appointment at Rangiora Hospital for a stretch and sweep to help bring on the labour while Ben was at work, and everything was fine,” recalls Kylie, who is mum to Maia, 17, Kaiden, 15, Azalea, 12, Arlo, seven, and twin girls Esmae and Lucia, two.
“Then just before I went to leave, the midwife said she’d check the heartbeat and couldn’t find it. I was taken into another room to try again and when she still couldn’t get it, she said, ‘I think you need to call Ben.’”
The heartbreak of history repeating itself
Sadly, it wasn’t the first time Kylie, 36, had been to hospital to give birth and returned home without a baby.
During her third pregnancy in 2011, less than a year after they married, a 17-week scan showed the foetus, a boy, had stopped growing at 14 weeks. When Kylie had to give birth in hospital, it was discovered the umbilical cord had wrapped around his leg in a knot and prevented feeding.
Ten years later, on 4 August 2021, as Kylie phoned her husband from hospital, she apologised repeatedly down the line. The midwife took over the call and told Ben they couldn’t find a heartbeat. Instantly, the self-employed tiler, 35, assured his devastated wife it wasn’t her fault.
“Ben said there wasn’t a single second he blamed me,” shares Kylie, whose partner of 19 years raced to be with her, before picking up his dad, plus the couple’s children from school and kindergarten.
Kylie was taken by ambulance to Christchurch Women’s Hospital, where she was induced, and given an epidural and full pain relief so she wouldn’t feel much while giving birth to Grayson.
He arrived stillborn, weighing 3.82kg.
“They wrapped him in a towel and asked if we’d like to hold him,” recalls Kylie.
He looked like his siblings, because our children have very strong genes, and he was our biggest.”
Pneumonia discovery
After Grayson’s birth, doctors determined he had pneumonia in the lungs. It had developed within a 24-hour period, though they weren’t sure why.
“It was heartbreaking and absolutely soul-crushing,” says Kylie. “But it meant he hadn’t started deteriorating, so he looked absolutely perfect.”
She and Ben were moved into the Garden Room, a delivery suite specifically for women experiencing foetal loss. They were able to stay with Grayson overnight.
“The room doesn’t have baby stuff − just a double bed, table and chairs, a little fridge and a couch,” explains Kylie.
“It has a homely feel and they have a special bassinet with an ice-pack thing in it. You’re allowed to stay as long as you want, and midwives and nurses bring coffee, meals and check in. That time with Grayson was invaluable.”
Support from loved ones
Loved ones also visited, sent flowers, and organised castings of Grayson’s hands and feet.
“There are photographers who can come and do a photoshoot of you with your baby, and it’s free,” tells Kylie. “There’s also a cupboard with little caskets – some with rabbits on them and some with ducks. They’re lined beautifully with satin.”
Her children used bright pens to write messages and draw pictures on the inside lid of a newborn casket, which had teddy bears painted on.
After that, everything to do with Grayson was about teddy bears,” says Kylie, who placed a bassinet set she’d sewn inside his casket. The grieving mum cried a lot and for a long time afterwards.
“The only thing that could have been worse was if he was born alive and then something happened,” she reflects. “Once they’ve taken a breath, they’ve got that chance of life. If they’re born alive and then die, you have to do the birth certificate and then a death certificate. While what happened was horrific, I couldn’t have done it the other way.”
Sharing their story
After returning home, Kylie wrote a lot. She shared her thoughts and feelings on Facebook, writing whatever she needed without editing, then hitting post.
“The one thing I did that worked was writing and not overthinking what I said,” she shares. “I’ve never been a writer, but I needed to let it out somehow. Now when Facebook memories pop up, it’s like a reminder of how far we’ve come or how much has changed.”
Kylie received messages of support from people across Aotearoa, thanking her for sharing her story about Grayson. Many expressed how it helped with their own grief.
“Reading the messages made me realise it’s a big world out there and a lot of people are going through similar things.”
The mother of seven found out she was 10 weeks pregnant again in January 2022.
“When we went for a scan, I was so nervous and anxious,” says Kylie. “I couldn’t look at the screen. Then we were told there were two heart-beats and we were having twins. Ben and I just satthere and cried.”
While Kylie had a healthy pregnancy with Esmae and Lucia, who were born via Caesarean at 37 weeks, she was crippled by fear.
“My anxiety was through the roof,” she admits. “I lost 10 to 15kg from stress. Before a scan or midwife appointment, I’d struggle to sleep and felt sick. I was absolutely beside myself. I was afraid they’d tell me something was wrong.”
The arrival of their twins
Fortunately, the twins were born healthy on 27 July 2022.
“I felt disbelief they were actually here,” she says. “It was so precious. On Grayson’s first birthday, the twins were only a week old and we just made it home in time. We had cake for him and people came around with takeaways. For his second birthday, I made cupcakes with the kids.”
Last year, the family starred in a raw and insightful documentary about stillbirth called The Garden Room. For its premiere, which fell on Grayson’s third birthday, Ben and Kylie watched in a packed cinema, before going out to dinner with close friends to acknowledge their boy.
Kylie’s children, particularly Arlo, often talk about baby Grayson, whose memory is kept alive at their loving home.
“His ashes sit in a little urn with a teddy bear on the front in the dining room, beside his castings and a massive album filled with all the photos of him,” smiles Kylie.
“There’s also a toy elephant from my best friend that says his name and date of birth. Grayson was given so much love, even in the short space he was here.”
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