If you’ve caught your child telling lies, don’t panic. Telling untruths is a normal part of childhood and most kids tell lies at some stage. But it is important to remind them that honesty is always the best policy. It also pays to keep an eye on them to check if they are prone to fibbing, and if so, work out why.
Why do children tell lies?
There are a variety of reasons, including lying to:
Cover up something they’ve done wrong that they’re likely to be punished for
Test their parents and their response
Impress others
Gain attention
Manipulate a situation
Avoid hurting someone’s feelings
To protect someone else
When do they begin to tell lies?
At around the age of three kids begin to understand that grown-ups don’t always know if they are telling the truth or not and they realise that telling a lie can stop them from getting into trouble for something they have done.
Between the ages of four and six they become better at making things up, although they can get easily caught out if they are challenged. Some children enjoy making up stories – it is a creative outlet for them and they enjoy the attention they get. Children’s lies tend to become more elaborate once they are at school. By this age they will be pushing limits to test boundaries and consequences and telling lies is one way of doing this.
As they get older they develop a better understand of how other people think and by the time they get to eight or nine, many children are able to lie successfully without getting found out. They know that lying is a way of denying responsibility for their actions or being able to get out of something they don’t want to do and they try to use this to their advantage.
As children get older they start to realise that “white” lies can be a way of avoiding hurting people’s feelings and will begin to use them if they are trying to be sensitive towards others.
When lying becomes a serious problem…
Most young children tell tall tales – it is a part of their development. They also learn – usually from their parents – that white lies can avoid hurting someone else’s feelings and that lying to cover something up can be a successful tactic. Although lying shouldn’t be encouraged, these are all examples of quite normal behaviour.
However, some children can get into a pattern of repetitive lying, which may become a habit. In some cases they may come out with malicious stories intended to upset other people or get them into trouble. Doing this can be a sign of emotional problems and it is important to get to the root of what it is that is driving them to behave this way.
In some cases lying can be a cry for help and this sort of behaviour is something to watch out for. If it is accompanied by other worrying behaviour, such as stealing or hurting others, it’s a good idea to seek professional help.
How to encourage children to tell the truth:
Be a good role model.
Tell the truth and don’t make up excuses, or “white” lies.
Have clear rules about what is acceptable and what isn’t. Making up stories about being a superhero is pretty harmless but lying about getting accepted for the football team or winning a prize at school is a concern, and so is lying to cover things up they’ve done wrong.
Make it clear that you will be less upset if they’ve done something wrong if they own up to it, than you would be if they lie about it. Deal separately with the lying and the behaviour that resulted in the lie.
Praise your child when they own up to doing something wrong instead of covering up with a lie.
Explain that lying leads to a lack of trust, and if they lie to you repeatedly about things, how will you believe them in the future? The story of the boy who cried wolf may help to get your point across.
Make the punishment fit the crime – for example if they’ve lied about going to the shops with their friends because they know they are not allowed to, banning them from seeing their friends for a few days may be an idea.
