**Dear Diane,
**oy husband has been diagnosed with an unusual sort of cancer and his prospects aren’t good. The doctors say he might only have a couple of years left – if he’s lucky. As you can imagine, this has been devastating for us as a couple, but he’s been very strict about us putting on a brave and happy face so our kids don’t guess there’s something wrong. our daughters are nine and 11 and our son is six.
I have a feeling our elder daughter suspects something, because she asked me the other day if I’d been crying.
I tried to deny it but I could see she wasn’t convinced and she must have noticed that her dad has had a lot of medical appointments lately, as he never used to get sick before. When is the best time to tell the children and how should we go about it? What should I do if he insists on carrying on a charade in front of them? Just writing this has me in tears again. It’s such an awful situation and I feel so helpless.
Name withheld===Dear Lauren,
What a horrible dilemma this is for you. Your husband may well be able to put on a brave and happy face, but you can’t. Anyway, our children have very sensitive antennae for parental distress and will pick up that something is going on even when we think we’re covering it up splendidly.
If we keep things secret from our children we may be saving them from immediate distress and ourselves from answering their frighteningly mature and honest questions. But there are two significant problems with hiding big news like this.
The first is that our children will undoubtedly be picking up what I call “adult vibes of distress” and be making their own interpretations – which can sometimes be worse than the reality.
The second is that when they do eventually find out what the big secret was, they may feel betrayed and wonder how much they can trust anything else they’re being told.
The Cancer Society of New Zealand describes one of their goals as to improve the quality of life for those with cancer and their family through support, rehabilitation and palliative care. If you and your husband talk with the society together about how and when to tell your young children that their father has a terminal illness, I’m sure they will be able to help you with how to proceed.
Diane Levy provides expert answers to your parenting queries. Send your questions to: [email protected]Diane’s parenting books are available in book shops.
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