There’s a space in Ngaire Te Tai’s home she visits each day for quiet moments, where photos of her son Kane sit beside a glass display cabinet holding army medals, poppies and a stuffed teddy bear in military attire. A sculptured turtle sits as a centrepiece, metres from a baby photo of the dad-of-one, in honour of his battlefield codename “Turtle”.
Memories are all Ngaire, a mum-of-seven, has left of her firstborn now, along with the bittersweet knowledge he died a Ukrainian war hero.
In April 2022, Kane flew from New Zealand to Ukraine to support the fight against Russia’s invasion, a cause the former New Zealand Defence Force soldier, 38, vowed he was prepared to die for. Sadly,
on 20 March this year, while on the front lines in eastern Ukraine, Kane lost his life.
‘He was smart and had to have challenging activities to do’
“I just want people to know that Kane was a warrior and he went out like a warrior,” says Ahipara-based Ngaire, 56, chatting to Woman’s Day about her beloved son, who was of Ngāpuhi descent.
“I love talking about him and I feel a connection when I’m sharing stories about Kane. It’s like it immortalises him.”
From the time her son could read and write at four, Ngaire knew Kane had a mind that yearned for stimulation and learning.
He excelled at his Sega video games and was equally comfortable outdoors in the bush near his childhood home in Beach Haven, Auckland.
“He was at one with nature and a typical boy, but in saying that, he was a mummy’s boy,” laughs Ngaire, who was a single mother until she met her husband Keith when Kane was four. “He was really smart and he had to have challenging activities to do.”
Between welcoming two sisters and four brothers, Kane was officially adopted at age six by concreter Keith, 57, who describes his son as being adventurous and full of energy.
Kane as a boy.
Kane went straight into the New Zealand Defence Force as a cadet after graduating from high school, before working as a rifleman and travelling to Afghanistan to help rebuild infrastructure as part of the Peace Corps.
“He loved the army and I was just happy Kane found something he enjoyed,” reflects Ngaire. “He enjoyed the brotherhood and he liked people who had a lot of wisdom – that’s what he got in the army.”
Kane welcomed his daughter Autumn, now 14 and living with her mother, in 2009.
Kane with his girl Autumn.
By the time he decided to head to Ukraine to help with humanitarian work, he was a skilled first-aider who had confidence in his ability to help people, but Ngaire was beside herself at the thought
of her eldest child entering the war zone.
“He was really up there with his skills and it’s what Ukraine needed, but I obviously wasn’t happy about him going,” she shares.
Keith jokes there was no way he nor Ngaire could’ve convinced Kane not to go unless they tied him up and chained him to a block.
Instead, he wrote Kane a long message saying they loved him and not to forget where home is. When the passionate soldier replied, he said he loved them and asked Keith to look after Ngaire, whose health has been another challenge for the Te Tai family.
With former PM Dame Jacinda Ardern.
In 2015, the brave mum was diagnosed with breast cancer while living in Brisbane, where five of her children still reside. She had a mastectomy, but the cancer sadly returned in 2018 and after completing all the treatments she could get across the ditch, she and Keith learnt her prognosis was terminal.
The cancer had spread into Ngaire’s spine, sacrum, arms and shoulders, and doctors gave her just 12 months to live.
The stricken couple returned to Ahipara, Northland, in December 2021, moving into a beachside house to relax and reconnect with their homeland and nature.
Part of their vision was to renovate the house and Kane had assured them he’d settle back in Aotearoa to help get the dwelling together after his stint in Ukraine.
“Since we returned home, being around good people and keeping a positive mind has helped me feel better health-wise,” tells Ngaire. “Keith has also been really supportive.”
Kane’s parents love sharing stories about their late son. “It’s like it immortalises him.”
While he was overseas, Kane’s parents learnt he unexpectedly met the love of his life, Ilona Kovalenko, 36, a Ukrainian humanitarian worker who he proposed to with a pounamu necklace in January this year.
After being baptised with the support of Ilona, Kane worked for a church, training Ukrainians in basic military skills, but as he heard endless stories of devastation from the victims he met, Kane decided he needed to help.
He joined the Foreign Reconnaissance, an intelligence service, planning to fight before marrying Ilona in her homeland and bringing her to New Zealand to live.
Ngaire shares, “Kane was on the battlefront when he sent a video out to his loved ones on Facebook, telling us to have a safe Christmas and wishing us all the best. A bomb went off behind him, but he didn’t seem scared.
“The last time I spoke to him over video was four days before he died and he seemed very tired. He only wanted to know what was happening on our side, asking about the house renovations and if I’d talked to Autumn.”
The former soldier was given a proper farewell at home in Aotearoa.
When Ngaire learnt her beloved son had possibly been killed while clearing a trench, she was returning home from an oncology appointment.
She’d missed a call from Ilona, who then phoned Ngaire’s daughter, who had to pass on the message that Kane had likely passed away.
“I don’t remember anything after that,” says Ngaire, whose son’s body was retrieved and returned to New Zealand for a powerful tangi that was attended by about 200 mourners. “I wanted to give him the biggest send-off and one thing I don’t want is to stop hearing his name.”
Kane is now buried in the Waitākere Ranges – near his great-grandparents, who adored him – in a spot looking out over the sea and the bush, his favourite things.
“It was always like Kane to go and help people,” muses Ngaire. “One of my things as a mother was teaching my kids to be good people.
“Sometimes I almost wish I hadn’t because Kane might’ve not felt so compelled to help people and ended up passing away. We’ve gone through the guilt and hundreds of emotions that grieving parents do.”
When Ilona came to New Zealand for her fiancé’s funeral, she brought letters from home. They tell stories of the soldier who made them feel safe and taught them defence strategies.
The letters explain that they won’t forget the man they called the Kiwi Cossack, who went viral in a video that showed him rescuing a Ukrainian comrade from a basement after being held hostage by Russian forces for months.
“Ilona told me people whispered his name when he went past,” says Ngaire. “People appreciated what he did and in generations to come, we’ll continue speaking about Kane. We’re so proud
of him.”
Ilona’s tribute
Kane came into my life when I was exhausted by fear and the war. Explosions and sirens were sounding day and night.
We became good friends and spent hundreds of hours talking before he asked me to be his girlfriend. He was very attentive and asked, ‘What can I do to relieve you of stress?’ I asked for a nice sunset by a fireplace and Kane organised it that evening, along with music and sushi. He also took me on camping trips among Ukrainian sunflower fields and we watched the most beautiful sunrises.
Kane dreamed of getting married, but I asked him to propose after the war. It was already hard to wait for my man, but it would be much harder to wait for an almost-husband.
Kane proposed to Ilona with a pounamu.
But on 22 January, Kane went down on one knee and said, ‘You’re very important to me. I see my future next to you. Will you become my wife?’ I said a very confident yes, but the next morning, I scolded him through happy tears! Kane hugged me and said, ‘There’s no special time to propose. When you feel it, you do it. I felt it, I did it.’
We planned to have our wedding in the beautiful sunflower fields where we watched the sunset. Kane said, ‘I want to get married in the place I fell in love with you.’
I knew he had a big family in New Zealand and many friends, so I asked if he wanted to get married there. He decided on Ukraine to invite his army mates, who became real brothers to him. But he wanted to move to Ahipara afterwards as he missed his country and family.
‘We planned to have our wedding in the beautiful sunflower fields’
On 21 March, I didn’t wake to his good-morning text, so I checked every hour. That evening, I received the call that Kane was dead and, a few minutes later, my house was full of people who loved him trying to support and grieve with me.
I’d never know who Kane was in full if I hadn’t visited New Zealand for his funeral. His home showed me how well-known and prominent he was, but Kane had a humble heart. His loss is a wound that hurts every day.”
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