The craziest things from Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Christmas 2018 gift guide

Portable bidet, anyone?

Gwyneth Paltrow is renowned for her ‘out there’ ideas on life. Who can forget when she extolled the virtues of vagina steaming (to balance female hormone levels, apparently). And on the same topic, remember the time she said putting jade eggs in your vagina on a daily basis can remove ‘negative energy?’ Strangely, the practice didn’t catch on.

Well, this year the Christmas gift guide from her lifestyle website Goop has outdone itself.

What do you get for the person who has everything? A village in Spain, of course. And for that busy person on the go? A portable bidet.

What about when you’re at someone’s house and you just can’t bear the thought of eating semi-soft butter that’s been sitting in the fridge for weeks? Goop to the rescue, with your very own portable butter churner.

Here are our favourite picks from this year’s guide.

For the possessive lover in your life – what greater gift than the Enso. It allows you to record your own heartbeat so your significant other can feel and hear it when you’re not there. $145 NZD. Bunnies and pots not included.

Nothing says “I love you” like giving someone a portable bidet. For $100 NZD, it can really save those embarrassing times when you’re caught out at Grandma’s house.

It’s all in the name, really: O-ring cutout knickers. The less said the better, but here’s the sell from Goop: Handmade in England, this saddle leather thong is what BDSM fantasies are made of. Orgasmic O-ring details, racy skin-baring cutouts, seductive studs all over, this piece—paired with the matching bra—is prepped for full speed ahead. Yours for a cool $460 NZD.

What good are a ‘sexy’ pair of knickers without a bra to match, right? Well, feast your eyes on the Nude Web Bra. Looks like it would be just about as comfortable as the g-string it comes with. There’s a fair amount of engineering going on in this piece, which is strange considering it’s slightly cheaper than the G – an extremely affordable $457 NZD.

For a website that purports to be a wellness guide, this suggestion seems like a strange inclusion. But perhaps they’re trying to bankrupt smokers everywhere with these 24-karat gold hemp blend rolling papers. At $80 NZD for 6 sheets, that’s an eye watering $13 per sheet.

Everybody needs a portable vibrator, right? And one that can be worn as jewellery? Perfect! Until your colleagues see this gift guide and work out why you always keep coming back from lunch with a smile on your face. $219 NZD.

Give Anchor a run for their money with your own butter churner. Surprisingly affordable at $57 NZD.

Perhaps not a gift for the novice surfer in your life – this Hermès surfboard will set you back $11,300 NZD. Why? ‘Because everything looks better in Hermès,’ according to Goop.

Last but by no means least – when you’ve exhausted all other gift options are are completely stumped, there’s always this village in Lugo, Spain. At first glance it seems completely ridiculous, but it’s not a bad option when, at $249,000 NZD, it’s a lot cheaper than most housing in Auckland these days.

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