Everyone wants to know how to have an earth-shattering orgasm, but most women are asking the wrong questions.
Advertisement
They’re wondering, “What do I need to do? What technique am I missing? Why does it work on my own but not with a partner? Why does it take me so long?”
Shifting the focus away from technique
My approach is different because I don’t believe powerful orgasms start with a quick bedroom trick – they begin with learning what accelerates your pleasure and what puts the brakes on. For so many women, the biggest brakes to deeper pleasure are stress, feeling self-conscious, pressure to get turned on quickly, the mental load or feeling rushed. The art is taking your foot off the brake while simultaneously building your accelerator – the things that create arousal for you.
Your accelerators might be things like locking the bedroom door, slowing down, feeling seen and heard by your lover, longer foreplay or freshly cleaned bodies. These details matter more than most people realise because they help the body feel safe.
We live in a society that focuses heavily on orgasm, and the more you try to force it, the more it slips away because you stay in your head and pressure your body instead. Earth-shattering orgasms need safety. They need arousal to build gradually.
They need a woman to feel like she can fully let go and receive. That’s why this idea that women should orgasm quickly, easily and from penetration alone causes so much unnecessary shame and stress. Most women need more than that – more build-up, more external stimulation, more full-body turn-on and more time to soften.
Solo pleasure versus partnered dynamics
If it feels easier to reach the big O on your own, that makes perfect sense. Solo pleasure often comes without pressure, without being watched and without worrying about someone else’s needs or timeline.
With a partner, many women slip into something called spectator mode, worrying about what they look like or how long they’re taking. Or caregiver mode, dismissing their own intimate needs to focus on pleasuring their partner. Both of these put a handbrake on the female orgasm.
Advertisement
Women who have the most powerful orgasms are those who know what they need, feel comfortable communicating that with their lovers and stay with sensations instead of getting in their heads.
Melissa is the co-host of How To Have Sex, available on Spotify or YouTube.
On the pulse!
A dual pleasure sensation for both inside and out
A modern take on a classic, the Enchant Air Pulse Rabbit Vibrator does double duty thanks to Satisfyer’s Air Pulse technology. One for the tech lovers, it has a built-in digital screen to see your battery level at a glance, so it won’t die mid-session.
With 12 internal vibration functions for your G-spot and 11 external pressure wave functions for orgasmic clitoral stimulation, use code ENCHANTME for 20% off (including sale items), with no minimum spend. it’s a deeply satisfying ride.
Be into win a Wild Secrets Pleasure Bundle, worth $500! Enter here
We collect and use data about how you use our sites to improve your experience, analyse site performance and provide you with relevant ads. To help you better understand how we do this, we've introduced a new Cookie, Tracking and Targeting Policy, effective 2 April 2026. Follow the above link to find out more or to opt-out of targeted ads
We collect and use data about how you use our sites to improve... Learn More
We collect and use data about how you use our sites to improve your experience, analyse site performance and provide you with relevant ads. To help you better understand how we do this, we've introduced a new Cookie, Tracking and Targeting Policy, effective 2 April 2026. Follow the above link to find out more or to opt-out of targeted ads
