Photography: Danni Bishara.
We’ve been taught that great sex is solely about technique, but really good sex, like the kind that leaves you breathless and levitating post-orgasm, has very little to do with technique and far more to do with safety, and feeling seen and relaxed in your body.
I know that sounds boring and kind of unsexy, but stick with me for a bit because these tips will be blowing more than your mind the next time you’re between the sheets – or on the kitchen floor! A lot of people are performing in the bedroom, trying their hardest to look and sound sexy or do the “right moves”, rather than feel and communicate their way to satisfying, fun and pleasurable sex.
As relationship therapist Esther Perel once said, “Sex isn’t something you do, but a place you go.” And my hope is that the place you go feels deeply enjoyable and satisfying. So where do you start if you want to turn the dial up on sexual satisfaction?
What does ‘the best sex’ look like?
We all have our own preferences, so close your eyes for a minute and think about having the best sex of your life.
How do you feel within yourself? What are you doing? What is the other person/people doing? Is there a power dynamic? Lots of teasing or tossing around? Allow yourself to really go there.
Communication
Communicate the parts that feel necessary to your partner. Maybe that’s qualities like feeling desired, safe to express yourself, respected, zero pressure, emotional closeness or anticipation. Even something as simple as, “Can we try longer foreplay tonight?”
Cultivate safety
Safety is the biggest aphrodisiac no one is talking about. Feeling safe allows you to emotionally, psychologically and physically open up in the bedroom.
What do you need more of and how can you get that? Is it closing the door, having a conversation about the day, slowing down or hearing sexy compliments? Feeling safe allows you to access more pleasure.
Focus on pleasure
Pleasure is the measure, not getting to orgasm, sounding the loudest or pretzelling into exotic sex positions. It’s all about just experiencing pleasure. Feeling safe, seen and relaxed gives you more access to pleasurein your body.
How are you leaving your sexual experiences? Relaxed, connected and satisfied? Or disconnected and unfulfilled? Getting honest about that is where real change begins. And it starts with safety, curiosity and the willingness to listen to your body.
Melissa is the co-host of How To Have Sex, available wherever you get your podcasts, from Wednesday.
