Nicola Edmonds.
Most people would beg for their lives if faced with a gun pointed at them, but when Nix Adams found herself in that situation during a drug deal gone wrong, she just felt relieved.
“He would have been doing me the biggest favour because I didn’t want to be on planet Earth,” says the Celebrity Treasure Island winner and social media superstar. “I was just thinking, ‘Oh, my God, pull that trigger, please!’”
It was less than a decade ago that Nix, 38, hit rock bottom. Her baby had died, her other kids had been taken away and, in the grip of an all-consuming addiction, she no longer wanted to live.
Now, as she chats with Woman’s Day over Zoom from a fancy Auckland hotel room, things couldn’t look more different. She and her whānau have recently
moved from Wellington to a rural property in Northland – “I’m a farmer now. What the fck?!” – and she has debuted the results of a facelift.
She’s as popular online as ever, but best of all, Nix has the people she loves around her – partner Dennis, their three-year- old daughter Egypt and her older kids, Tre’zahn, 23, Jordan, 16, and Russia, 15, plus Dennis’ children.
Today, she’s talking to us about her new memoir, Nothing To Lose, which lays bare her journey from addiction and despair to rebuilding her life. After losing her baby Alaska in 2013, Nix turned to meth to numb the pain. She became a prostitute to fund her habit, eventually losing her home and her kids. Looking back, Nix is horrified by how little she thought of herself.
“I fully gave up on myself,” she says. “These days, I love myself so much and I’d never allow anyone to have that sort of access to me. But back then, I really didn’t give a fck about myself.”
Nix didn’t set out to become famous, but her hilarious, straight-talking videos have earned her three million followers on social media. After four weeks in a high-security prison in Melbourne, she started posting clips to keep herself busy as she rebuilt a life without drugs. Before long, people were following her progress as she worked towards reconnecting with her kids.
“If I didn’t come across Facebook, who knows what direction I would have taken?” Nix muses. “I honestly think it saved my life.”
The book lifts the lid on her difficult childhood and at-times-abusive relationship with her mum. They’re now closer than ever and Nix says understanding the impact of intergenerational trauma has changed everything. She’s proud of herself for breaking the cycle with her own family.
She tells, “For so many years, I spent my life wondering, ‘Why is my mum like this to me? What have I done? What can I change to get that love?’ But I just didn’t have any understanding of what she’d been through.”
Writing about the loss of Alaska was both heartbreaking and cathartic, says Nix. The 16-month-old’s tragic death was likely caused by a viral infection and not a day goes by when she doesn’t think of him. His ashes are held safely in an urn inside a teddy bear, which his siblings take turns sleeping with.
“Some nights he sleeps down with Russia and some nights he sleeps with Egypt,” smiles Nix. “Other nights he sits in the lounge next to Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse. He’s as much a part of our family as the other kids.”
Earlier this year, Nix travelled to Turkey for a facelift, following an earlier trip for a tummy tuck. Years of drug and alcohol abuse had taken a toll on her skin and spending so much time filming herself had made her more conscious of her appearance. She knew there’d be judgement from people online, but she only cares about the opinions of her whānau.
“People say I’m a bad role model and all that, but I don’t give a fck,” insists Nix. “Everyone should just do what they want in life, as long as they’re not hurting anyone.”
Nix and Dennis are now throwing themselves into their new rural life. She has always dreamed of owning land to pass on to her kids, with space for them to run around. She’s looking forward to taking her followers along for the ride.
“Maybe we’ll do a reality TV show about it,” she laughs. “We’re city slickers. We really don’t know what we’re doing.”
Nix still has to pinch herself that she’s here now, living out her dream with the people she loves. “For me, I’m at my happiest when I’m in the kitchen, the kids have their music playing, everyone’s laughing and the baby’s running around. That’s when I’m like, ‘This is what the fck I did it for.’ It was all worth it.”
Nothing To Love: A Mother’s Journey Through Grief, Addiction And Recovery by Nix Adams ($40, Allen & Unwin) is on shelves Tuesday.
If you’re struggling with your mental health, text or call 1737 at any time to speak to a trained counsellor free. For help with addiction, call 0800 787 797 or visit alcoholdrughelp.org.nz. For the Suicide Crisis Helpline, phone 0508 TAUTOKO.
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