Struggling with severe depression and anxiety, White Ferns captain Amelia Kerr couldn’t see a way out of her panic attacks and suicidal thoughts, with an unrelenting voice in her head refusing to give her any kind of break.
Melie, 25, describes this time of her life, in 2020 and 2021, as her rock bottom.
“I never had a moment where I wouldn’t have this voice in my brain,” she tells Woman’s Day.
“I was seeing things as well. It became a scary place and I just wanted to escape it.”
What a difference a few years makes! Now fit, well and happy, the cricketer has been making headlines with her performance on the pitch, but in her spare time, she’s also passionate about helping those struggling with battles similar to those she faced.
With her video series Treading Water, Melie chats about mental health to other famous Kiwis, including Toni Street, Mea Motu, Israel Dagg and Jenny-May Clarkson. Melie’s fight with depression and anxiety began in 2020, but its roots appeared long before.
When everything became too much
While growing up, two people in her peer group committed suicide, including the brother of one of her best mates, and her beloved mum Jo was twice diagnosed with breast cancer. As a natural empath and deep thinker, Melie absorbed the pain of everyone around her, taking on the role of the rock in her family and her friend group, all while trying to forge a career as a professional cricketer.
“I had this real fear of loss and losing people,” she tells.
“I cared and loved so deeply, but I couldn’t really express how I was feeling because I really didn’t want to let people down.”
For years, Melie held all of those emotions in and if anyone asked how she was, the answer was always a firm “good”. Then COVID hit and suddenly she had far too much time alone with her own thoughts – and when a broken finger meant she couldn’t play cricket, the one safe space she had left was gone.
“Cricket was the thing that kept me sane and kept me going, then that got taken away,” she says.
“That’s when everything unravelled.”
It was like wanting to drown, tells Melie.
“I missed a cricket tour and my brain just wouldn’t stop with these dark thoughts.”
Finding a way back
Her family held an intervention and Melie moved back home, where she turned to writing to help get things off her chest.
“I used treading water as an analogy,” she says.
“I wrote, ‘I’ve been treading water too long, trying to keep my head above surface level all alone. But then the rescue boat came and you – my family – were all on it. I’m so glad I wanted to get on that boat with you all. Now I’m on land, where I feel like I can breathe again.’”
From that moment, something fundamental changed. Melie got therapy and medication, and in 2022, she turned the words “treading water” into her interview series.
“You can’t encourage others to share their story without sharing yours, even though I know how hard it is to do that,” she reflects.
A work in progress
Melie’s recovery hasn’t been a straight line. In 2024, she had her first year without a depressive episode since 2019 and decided to decrease her medication. Within six months, she experienced three panic attacks and was feeling more sad than usual.
Melie’s now back to her original dose of drugs and feeling much better, but she acknowledges her mental health is a work in progress.
She admits, “I know there’ll be times where I might struggle more, but I have the tools, awareness and openness to hopefully recognise those feelings earlier, so I can get on top of them.”
Though cricket still brings her immense joy, these days, Melie is happiest at home with her family, having barbecues in the sun, swimming at the beach and playing music with her cousins – simple pleasures she once felt guilty about as she thought they’d stop her from being the best athlete she could be.
Finding strength in support
As well as her family and her partner, Black Caps star Nathan Smith, Melie credits her teammates, including Maddy Green and Suzie Bates, for helping her recover.
Nathan, in particular, “holds space for me to talk and lets me share my emotions”, she says.
“I don’t think I could be with someone who doesn’t have high empathy or high emotional intelligence.”
So what’s the lesson Melie wants everyone to take away from her story and from Treading Water?
Melie shares, “Sometimes the most resilient thing you can do is break down. If you’re always resilient and always showing up to the world as if you’re good, then how are you relatable? How are you human?”
Check out Treading Water on YouTube or at outoftherough.nz.
If you’re struggling with your mental health, call or text 1737 to talk to an expert, or if you’re under 25, visit gumbootfriday.org.nz to speak to a trained counsellor.
For the Suicide Crisis Helpline, phone 0508 TAUTOKO. In an emergency, always dial 111.
