He’s helped parents improve their relationships with their children and husbands and wives to understand each other. But Ian Grant says recognising he has not always been the best father and husband himself was partly what prompted his latest project – helping men to become better dads.
Sitting in the lounge of his Auckland home, Ian seems rightly proud of all he has achieved as the longtime head of Parents Inc, now The Parenting Place, which he founded in 1993 with his wife Mary.
Now, almost 20 years on, Ian has decided the time is right for him to step aside – leaving staff to get on with the business of helping Kiwi families and giving him time to focus on his new project. “I’d become the elephant in the boardroom. It was all going so well and I was sitting around thinking, ‘Where am I going?’”
Ian may claim to be retired but he doesn’t appear to be slowing down. He’s currently promoting his latest book, Fathers Who Dare Win: 30 Ways to be an Awesome Dad. It’s a cause that is close to his heart. “I have always had a passion to encourage men to be better husbands and fathers,” says the father-of-three.
Part of writing his book required facing up to himself as a husband and father. “I had to ask myself, ‘What is it like being married to me? At my funeral, what are my kids and grandkids going to say about me?’”
That self-appraisal has led him to work on his role as cheerleader number one for Mary, his wife of 46 years, who recently set up the charitable trust Faith4Families. “I’m not perfect but I love her so much, I want her to be fulfilled,” says Ian.
He is addressing the second part of his soul-searching question by working on his relationships with his 11 grandchildren. They call Ian “Chiefy” and, judging by the colourful birthday cards propped up on the sideboard, they think the world of him.
His wish is for them to remember him as a friend – not the aloof grandparent many adults remember from their own childhoods. “I want them to say ‘Chiefy was my best mate.’” But he says, like other men, he has to remind himself that he is important to his children and grandchildren. Ian says a lot of men think their influence is secondary to that of the mother.
“My own children, I love them but it was only when they started talking that I thought I was important. But a child recognises his father’s heartbeat at birth.”
Ian says women – whether they are daughters or wives – want to feel cherished by the men in their lives. Men, by contrast, want to feel respected. “Even if he’s a drongo, if a woman says to a man, ‘I married you because I wanted a good father for my kids,’ he’ll step up.”
A lot of men are lost, Ian says, between not wanting to be a stern control freak and being a “Peter Pan”. “Women need a man they can rely on.” Asked for tips for a happy family life, Ian’s advice is deceptively simple: Encourage your kids to play sport – it helps build leadership skills.
He also encourages parents to play with their children. “You don’t have to be a comedian to have fun. I say to dads, ‘Your kids think you’re the best actor in the world.’ Make the most of that because it all changes at 12.”
Communication is important too, says Ian, who tells fathers to think of a conversation with their daughters like a game of tennis. “You ask a question, the ball goes to her, she answers, it comes back to you. Never leave a conversation with the ball in your pocket. She needs to get her feelings out.”
For couples, Ian says you can’t underestimate the power of friendship. And the best thing a man can do for his kids? “Be committed to their mother.” It’s not only Mary that Ian is cheering for – he’ll still be supporting The Parenting Place from the sidelines. But for now, his focus is on fathers.
High-profile dads such as Jason Gunn and Simon Barnett are firm supporters and Ian is planning an annual men’s event. He says it’s about helping men tap into their potential. “When New Zealand men step up, they’re amazing.”
Four tips for fathers:
1. Be a hero
Kids want a fatherly hero who keeps promises, offers advice and is there for them. Hero dads never confuse strength and gentleness, never forget what it feels like to fail and are never too big to help others.
2. Affirm your child
Try to only praise things your child has control over. Instead of “You look nice,” say: “I like the way you dressed yourself and brushed your hair.” Measure their improvement against themselves, not against friends or siblings.
3. Know you are smarter than your teenager
Parents need to be confident in the fact they make better decisions than their children. If you veto theirs, give them a reason.
4. Make time to talk to your kids
Date nights are important for children as well as couples. Set aside one night a month for each child and go for a walk to give them a chance to talk.
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