Words you don’t want to hear from your midwife

I'm not going to lie to you, it's a bit of a mess down there

Regardless of how your birth went, it’s probably safe to say it was a memorable experience.

But looking back with our rose-tinted glasses on, we may have forgotten a few tiny details. Like the “barn animal” noises we made or our partners answering their mobile phones.

Or the horrifying/hilarious/eyebrow-raising thing that the midwife said…

A recent Mumsnet thread of ‘words you don’t want to hear from your midwife’ has stirred a few memories though.

Since the thread started last week, over 400 women have contributed tales of the clangers their midwife dropped. Here are just a few:

“Oh dear, this is going to be the worst part.”

“I’m not going to lie to you, it’s a bit of a mess down there.”

“You’ve just done a little poo.”

Of course, no birth experience is perfect. And in the heat of the moment amidst the contractions, pain management and just wanting to get the baby out, there are bound to be the odd miscommunication.

We put a call-out for ‘things you don’t want to hear from your midwife’ to see if this is a universal trend. Turns out it is.

Lisa says: “I was 21 years old, it was my first baby and I was on all fours (so I couldn’t see anything). All I hear is the midwife say ‘Ooo that’s not supposed to happen’. Turns out his hand had come out first.”

Megan says: “‘Oops’. That’s one word you never want to hear in a hospital! But the midwife said ‘oops’ when she realised the epidural had been turned up too high. I didn’t mind – it meant I slept through most of the labour – but it made it hard to push out the baby. It turns out most people feel something with an epidural, but I couldn’t feel anything at all.”

Lee says: “A very young midwife kept saying ‘good girl, good girl’ (I was 39 at the time). I could have knocked her out.

Ash says: “I was in labour with my fourth child and told the midwife that I needed to start pushing. She replied ‘don’t be ridiculous, you’ve got a long way to go yet’ so you tell her ‘well I’m starting to push’ and she comes over, has a look and says ‘oh sh*t! There’s the head!'”

Sometimes the midwife is merely the bearer of bad news:

Kerri says: “Midwife: ‘Sorry, it’s too late for an epidural.”

And at other times the midwife’s clanger wasn’t so funny. In Jo’s case, he was just plain rude:

“The male midwife sarcastically told me after my delivery that I looked really tired, and then went onto to say extra sarcastically that it must have been ‘from all that pushing!’ – I had just had a C-section.”

Of course, whatever was said in the heat of the moment, all is forgiven the moment the midwife places your brand new baby into your arms.

Even this one…

“Ooh, look at that chunky monkey! Bet she’s at least 10 pounds!’

You might also like: Bridget Jones’ Baby full trailer

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