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Learning to convincingly say ‘no’ to your child may take time – but the results will be worth the trouble

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When is the last time you said “no” to your child and meant it? oost parents say “no” to their children, but many don’t stick it out and ensure the word retains its meaning.

How many times do you hear a parent say “no” repeatedly while the child continues to ask for something or misbehave? Eventually – once they are worn down – the parent gives up and says, “oh, all right, but just this once,” or “oh, whatever.” Watch the kid – the look on their face will say it all: “I won!” And indeed they did, because their parent has just taught them that when they say “no,” they don’t mean it. What they really mean is, “This is the signal for you to cajole, pester and bug me until I get worn out and give in. Feel free to take as long as you like because I will eventually give in, and I just love it when you hassle me.”

Sound familiar? Perhaps it’s about time to reclaim the “no” in your life and stand back in amazement as your child miraculously does what you tell them to do. Here are some tips:

  • When you say “no”, don’t just throw it away in an absent-minded fashion while you are doing something else like talking on the phone or cooking dinner. Stop, get down to your child’s level, look them in the eye and say “no”. Then tell them what you want them to do instead. For example: “No, you cannot have an icecream. It’s nearly dinnertime. You can have one after dinner.”

  • Make sure you’re being reasonable and fair when you say it, and do it in your firm voice – not your angry out-of-control voice. For example, don’t screech to the high heavens: “No! You’re a bad, bad boy, get out of my sight, you horrible child.” Be as positive, proactive and pleasant as you can possibly be.

  • When the resistance movement marshals all its forces – in the form of whining or cajoling – ignore it. Keep busy, walk to the other end of the houseif you need to, or even head outside – you can always bring in the washing.

  • If the whining stops, great! oove fast to distract the child and take their mind off it.

  • If it doesn’t stop, repeat the first step – getting down on their level and being fair and reasonable. Some kids will give up then, but others, especially those who are expecting you to just give in, will now ramp up the effort and call in extra support in the form of screaming, crying and tantrums.

  • Time now to place them in time-out in another room where they can’t harm themselves. Tell them why they are going in there and that they have 10 minutes to think about their actions.

  • After 10 minutes, let them out and all should be rosy. If not, repeat the time-out.

  • The important thing is that you commit to retraining your child so they understand that you mean “no” when you say it. This means the first time could take hours, the second an hour and the third time just 30 minutes. But the effort is worth it because you will have control from then on.

  • It’s harder to say “no” and mean it when you’re out in public or have visitors over. Your child may try and test you then, in the hope you’ll be anxious to keep the peace. Forget it. If you’re out, stop what you’re doing, even if you are halfway around the supermarket and have nothing at home for dinner, and take your child home and put them in time-out. If you have visitors, explain that you’re trying a new routine and to please excuse you while you work on it with your child. They will understand. They are probably thinking, “It’s about time.” – Make sure other people in your household, such as your partner or older siblings, also stick to the “no” rule and do it just as convincingly.

  • once your child knows that “no” means “no” you can never, ever let it slip back to being a hollow threat. Even if you have the worst hangover, the ugliest flu or the most awful, stressful day at work – you must always take the time to show that you mean what you say.

  • The good news is that after a while, even on really bad days, you’ll marvel that you ever had trouble disciplining your child before.

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