This is what love looks like when you heal, work and never give up on each other,” gushed young Angelou Brown while officiating the vow renewal of his parents Mataio “Matt” and Sarah Brown, who were celebrating a decade of marriage. Having co-founded the global anti-domestic violence movement She Is Not Your Rehab, the couple has dedicated their lives to helping others avoid and overcome the type of trauma and abuse they experienced as kids.
But it was seeing their children – Sarah’s 22-year- old daughter Oceana Olsen, Angelou, 10, and Frida, seven – recite the messaging they’ve tirelessly worked to instil around the world that marked their most rewarding moment.
Words are my love language
“Words are my love language because books saved my life,” says Sarah, 42.
“Standing there listening to my children say the most beautiful words hit deep. The best thing we can do is show our children what love can be like, so that’s what the vow renewal represented.”
It was due to Frida – who’d long dubbed it “rude” her parents wed before she was born – that the Christchurch family, plus Oceana’s partner Avia, jetted to Fiji. While Matt and Sarah, who wore a white linen dress, adapted vows from their 2015 Auckland wedding, the kids planned everything else for the sunset ceremony, including Angelou walking Sarah up the aisle.
Breaking cycles, building love
Matt, 39, becomes emotional as he recalls that special moment.
“The 10 years I’ve been with my best friend is 10 years we’ve given our children pure love, authenticity and organic conversation,” he says.
“I wish I had that growing up. Knowing the cycles have been completely broken and my children aren’t tiptoeing around me is beautiful.”
Throughout the service, the kids took turns being celebrants by delivering cute speeches.
“Your love’s unlike any other and the reason we’re here today,” said Oceana.
“Our dream parents, our dream aiga, living our dream lives.”
A painful past
Such sentiment is a world away from Matt’s upbringing, which saw his late mum Aitofi Telesia hiding him and his brothers in Salvation Army clothing bins so they could safely sleep away from their violent, alcoholic father.
“It was scary, cold, and also fun being a little kid jumping into clothing bins,” says Matt, who was sexually abused from age three and grew up watching his dad beat Aitofi.
“We were always on edge, not knowing how Dad might react.”
For Sarah, the psychological and verbal abuse she received from her adoptive parents saw her leave home at 15. By age 20, seven months after becoming a solo mum to Oceana, she tried to end her life.
Says Sarah, “I couldn’t cope with the pain and didn’t know the steps to healing. When I awoke in hospital, I thought, ‘I have to be a better mum for my daughter.’”
Finding a path to healing
Beginning her healing journey by reading books, she soon became passionate about helping others avoid similar trauma. When she and Matt met 15 years ago, they bonded over this shared mission. Friends for years, he eventually declared he wanted to marry her – before they’d even kissed!
The couple co-founded She Is Not Your Rehab to get the word out that women aren’t responsible for men’s healing. Matt drew inspiration for the concept from his chats with male clients at the barbershop.
Spawning a best-selling book and sparking a global movement, Sarah and Matt were often asked what they would tell youth facing trauma. To answer this question, they penned children’s book
This Is Not Yours To Carry, the first in a series. Oceana did the illustrations.
A family mission
“This is our kaupapa and the kids see how passionate we are, so want to help,” says Sarah.
“They loved giving their feedback on the book and they do the live readings.”
Meanwhile, in 2019, a video Angelou filmed appealing to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to help spread their anti-domestic abuse message went viral after the Hollywood star shared the clip. In Dwayne’s response, he hilariously agreed that their shared Samoan heritage made him Angelou’s uncle.
“At 10, I think he realises The Rock’s not his uncle, but for a long time, he believed it,” laughs Matt.
Raising emotionally aware kids
Part of their children’s impressive ability to engage with She Is Not Your Rehab is the “emotionally literate” environment Matt and Sarah have raised them in. Each night, everyone shares the pit, peak and thing they’re most grateful for from their day.
Frequently asked how they emerged from such horrific pasts to create wonderful lives and love, the couple has launched online course Relationship Rehab to help others.
Says Sarah, “We want to normalise what good love looks like, and show it’s possible to come from where we came from and have a beautiful love story – if you have the tools and support, and do the work.”
For more info, go to sheisnotyourrehab.com.
For the Suicide Crisis Helpline, call 0508 TAUTOKO.
For the Women’s Refuge Crisisline, phone 0800 REFUGE.
