Two decades ago, Waikato woman Debbs Murray sat at home anticipating her possible murder. With her young children at their grandfather’s for the night, she penned heartfelt messages of love on the backs of family photos, hoping one day her kids might find them.
Love turned to fear
Following a string of threatening phone calls from Max, the man she loved, Debbs waited for him to turn up drunk and enraged. Fortunately, he didn’t arrive, but it wasn’t the end of the mother of four’s dangerous relationship. It took nearly eight years of family violence before Debbs finally had the opportunity to take the courageous step and leave for good.
“When I got out of that relationship, I was 28 and I made a decision to commit my career to the family violence sector, to try to make a real difference” recalls Debbs, 52, founder of Eclipse Family Violence Services.
For more than 20 years, Debbs has worked to enhance family violence awareness and education across New Zealand. As well as sharing her story of survival through Eclipse, which launched in 2022, she and her team have trained nearly 6000 frontline family violence responders and practitioners.
“I don’t share my story because I want people to be angry with Max,” the grandmother of eight says.
“I want him to have a life of only love, peace, gentleness and kindness. It’s so people can understand it’s never as easy as just leaving. We need to have a more compassionate and empathetic approach
to victims.”
From survivor to advocate
Debbs was 18 when she gave birth to her eldest child, Nicole, now 34, followed by her son Richard, 32. After a troubled childhood that included sexual violence, she enjoyed having her own small family to love. When her marriage ended at 21, she became a solo mother, later meeting Max through a friend. She was instantly drawn to him, despite hearing he had a violent past. Just weeks after they began dating, Debbs fell pregnant with their child Jaime, 30, and the couple moved in together. They also welcomed her youngest son, Jake, 26.
When love becomes a weapon
When Max told Debbs she didn’t need to wear makeup because she was beautiful enough, she relished in the compliment.
“It felt really nice – no guy ever told me I’m beautiful without makeup,” Debb says.
“Then one day I was going to Dad’s for dinner and I put makeup on. Max looked at me and said, ‘Who are you going to screw?’ His response escalated and was enough to make sure I never wore it again.”
Her relationship was filled with coercive control, which Debbs describes as intentional behaviours that entrap and intimidate a victim. She was constantly afraid of doing or saying something that might trigger an angry response.
While the abuse escalated to physical harm, Debbs was too afraid to leave, trapped in the confusing cycle of being in love with and also fearing Max.
leaving isn’t always the end
“Coercive control includes physical and non-physical violence, and threats like, ‘If you leave, you’re going to be killed,’ or they’ll harm a loved one or pet,” Debbs explains.
“The majority of family violence-related homicides happen at the time of leaving or just afterwards.”
Luckily, Debbs’ father Brian was her rock and the person she credits for likely saving her life.
“By the end, Max and I were living apart, but he’d ring every day and tell me different ways he wanted to kill me,” she tells.
“I went and stayed at Dad’s for the night, which he was used to, and asked him to come with me the next day to feed my cat because I was terrified.”
A violent wake up call
When they arrived at Debbs’ home, the front windows were smashed and water was everywhere. Blades were embedded in the base of Debbs’ waterbed, where she slept with her baby.
“Max was angry I hadn’t answered his calls and he got really drunk,” she shares.
“He grabbed some knives and slashed up the bed – where he thought I was – so hard, the handles snapped off.”
Rebuilding from the ground up
Debbs couldn’t silently clean up the mess like she had other times. Instead, her father said to phone the police. It was the beginning of her leaving Max for good, including getting protection and parenting orders, and relocating far away from him. Debbs started studying a Bachelor of Applied Science with a psychology major, and a long and successful career began.
Debbs recently released a book, One Soul One Survivor, which tells her captivating personal story of entrapment and overcoming adversity. Before it even hit stores, she’d sold hundreds of copies of the book, which provides resources and information about family violence.
“I used to just get up every morning believing that maybe one day I’d get out,” she muses.
“I still have many broken bits inside me, but that’s OK. I’ve healed enough to live a safe and wonderful life. Every time I look in the mirror now, I know my purpose.”
Find One Soul One Survivor in bookstores or through eclipsefamilyviolenceservices.co.nz. For help, phone Women’s Refuge crisis line on 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843, or the Shine helpline 0508 744 633. For emergencies, call 111.
