SHUT-IN STUDENT
Dear Jay-Jay,
My 18-year-old son hasn’t left the house since late October, except for a quick summer holiday with me and the very occasional forced outing to go to a book shop. He’s a university student and will have to attend some lectures in person soon, so at least he’ll have some contact with the outside world other than me nagging him to load the dishwasher. He fancies himself as Lord Sebastian Flyte from Brideshead Revisited, wafting around ancient piles in 100% linen and reading poetry. I occasionally buy him 50% linen pants. Now he wants me to buy him a car so he doesn’t have to take public transport to uni. Do you think I should? At least it’ll get him out of the house…
Cordelia, Christchurch
Hi Cordelia
Your letter amuses me! It’s very relatable too. I know you didn’t ask for my advice on his introversion, but I do wonder if there are some underlying issues that cause him to be nervous about leaving the house. Does he have social anxiety? Does he need some gentle persuasion to find hobbies or activities outside of his bedroom? Maybe encourage his friends to come over more. Could he do with some counselling, dare I say it?
But on to the question at hand: Should you buy him a car? A few things come to mind here. He is a man now. If he has so much time on his hands to lock himself away, then surely he has had time to find a job between terms? Has he saved any money at all? Because having a car is a huge responsibility and expense, so he really should contribute towards it.
It’s nice to be independent, of course, but what is wrong with him catching the bus or train to uni? Plenty of people do it – it’s affordable, better for the environment and has the same outcome as driving himself there. Personally, I think the Lord (lol) needs to prove himself worthy of having Mummy buy him a car.
You could do it because you love him and you want the best for him. Or you can tell him to man up and meet you partway with a solid contribution. I mean, he is going to need to pay for its upkeep too, so it’s a very good opportunity for him to demonstrate some mature responsibility.
I say this all with love. I had my nephew in my care for 10 years and I did cave in many times because I wanted him to have all the things he wouldn’t have had in his previous home. But in doing so, he did become slightly entitled and spoilt, and took things for granted. So I understand both sides of the argument.
You know your son well and what is best for him, so whatever you choose to do, I’m sure it will be the right decision for both of you. I hope this helps.
All the best, Jay-Jay
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