Pictures: Marissa Findlay
It sounds like the simplest advice to remember that no matter how tough a day gets, the sun will always rise. But for former Dancing With The Stars NZ judge Julz Tocker, they’re words that have carried him through his hardest years, helping him overcome a depression so severe, he tried to end his life, as well as the unfathomable grief of losing eight loved ones.
Speaking to Woman’s Day while on a whirlwind tour of New Zealand with the Ballroom Blitz dance show, Los Angeles-based Julz, 36, recalls, “A coach once told me after I lost a dance competition, ‘The sun will always shine tomorrow. As long as that sun comes up, so can you.’”
Reflecting on how far he’s come is an emotional ride for Julz. The star worked with Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone in La La Land, and appeared on DWTS in the US. Driving past his old Wellington school shortly before our interview, the global dance champ had flashbacks to the bullying he once endured.
Coming from a sporty family, with a brother who was a rugby captain, all eyes were on Julz’s athletic ability when he began high school. When peers found out about his dancing, he was called “Twinkletoes” and “Ballerina”, and attacked on the school bus. “I started packing heavy books or rocks and swinging my bag back to defend myself,” he tells.
Julz’s clever sister threatened the bullies with a defamation lawsuit, but the turning point came when he opened up about his dancing in a speech. Soon he was running lessons for the school ball and choreographing productions.
A dance champ by 15, Julz eventually moved to Australia and then Italy, before relocating to LA for DWTS. Although his career bloomed, he struggled with self-worth and confidence. He was also in two car accidents and told he may never dance again.
But the root of his unhappiness was coming to terms with his sexuality. “In my mind, it was never an option to come out, so I kept pushing it away and never let myself think about it.” That caused a “boiling pot” of inner misery, which culminated in Julz making attempts to end his life.
“People say it’s selfish to leave everything behind, but when you’re in such a dark tunnel, you can’t see the light.”
Julz began focusing on getting through one day, hour or minute at a time. He credits his German shepherd Blitz for motivating him to get out of bed. He consulted a life coach and began coming out to loved ones, starting with his dad.
“I was most nervous about telling him, but he was awesome, which made it easier to tell others.”
Pulling his life back together, Julz excitedly returned to Aotearoa for another season of DWTS, but the series was cancelled due to COVID. After that, he was hit with more hurdles – a string of devastating deaths, including six losses from suicide.
At one point, he received news of three deaths in one day. Julz recalls, “I dropped to my knees, screaming, ‘Universe, stop! This is too much!’ All I wanted to do was dig a hole and get in it.”
But the tragedies made him question why he ever contemplated ending his own life when he hadn’t yet lived his “true self”. Feeling renewed purpose, he continued coming out to loved ones and trained as a life coach. “Everything I’ve been through has happened so I can help others.”
Julz has now teamed up with Hollywood pal Goldie Hawn to bring her preventative mental health programme MindUP, which helps teachers equip students with “mental fitness tools”, to Aotearoa. He’s also creating a project for teenagers, which he’ll tour around high schools. His drive to empower Kiwi youth comes after Julz’s first visit home since coming out.
“America’s so accepting, so I was nervous coming home in case of any toxic masculinity, but now I don’t care. It’s crazy how a few years ago, caring what others think and dealing with grief made me so down, I couldn’t see the point of living. Now it’s a total flip.
“I’m a different person after coming to terms with my sexuality and becoming comfortable in own skin. I’ll always be finding the self-love, but I’m happier than ever.”
Another reason for Julz’s joy? He’s dating an “amazing and awesome” Hollywood screen-writer. “It’s nerve-wracking because I haven’t been in a relationship with a guy before. But as he reminds me, I’ve been in dance partnerships and friendships, so I know how to create life-long love.”
One of those long-standing friendships is with Goldie. “She’s been a rock,” smiles Julz. “She messages and calls, and has helped me in tough times. She also lost friends, so we connected on that. I call her Mama Bear Goldie!”
Help is here
If you’re struggling with your mental health, please call or text 1737 at any time to speak to a trained counsellor.
For LGBTQ+ support, visit outline.org.nz or phone 0800 688 5463.
For the Suicide Crisis Helpline, call 0508 TAUTOKO.
In an emergency, always dial 111.
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