John Aiken is the relationship expert on TV couples experiment Married at First Sight Australia. Famous for adjudicating at some of the most toxic unions since Henry VIII was on the throne, in real life, John is happily married to Kiwi Kelly Swanson-Rowe. Having found his own happy-ever-after, John and Kelly live with their two kids on Sydney’s leafy North Shore.
I was a very sporty youngster.
My three brothers and I loved cricket and rugby, and we’d play together in the driveway or out on the street. We also moved around lot. I was born in Sydney and lived in Canberra before moving to New Zealand at 12, and sport helped me meet new people and feel accepted.
When Dad was offered a job at Victoria University – he was a Professor of Accounting – we moved to Wellington.
This was challenging at 12 as you have your tribe and we didn’t know New Zealand. Playing sport helped me fit in.
Our parents were strict, and girlfriends were not encouraged.
And because Mum was a speech therapist, if one of us received a phone call from a potential love interest and Mum answered, if the girl’s grammar wasn’t correct or she wasn’t articulate – maybe she said ‘youse guys’ or put ‘but’ at the end of a sentence – there was no way that girl was getting through to the Aiken boys!
Losing my parents was challenging as I hadn’t had a lot of experience with death.
My father died first in November 2016, when I was just 46, then Mum went in 2023. Even though I was 53 when Mum died, it was a really big jolt to realise you’re on your own. Even though they taught us to be independent, they were always there until they weren’t. It took me a while to adjust.
When I was 18, I played cricket for the New Zealand youth team.
We toured England with Chris Cairns, Adam Parore and Mark Richardson. Then from 1989 to 2000, I played for Auckland, Wellington and New Zealand A, up against various touring teams, including West Indies, Sri Lanka and South Africa. Cricket was survival of the fittest in my day. Once selected, you had to train hard and deliver. Having only been a young amateur, there wasn’t much pastoral care and I had to prove my worth to those veterans. It was a difficult transition.
We moved a lot when I was young, so I asked questions to get to know people, which made me curious about human behaviour.
I then considered being a history teacher, and studied history, education and psychology at university. That led me to clinical psychology, which I found incredibly compelling, especially couples work. To have two people fighting in front of me, seeing those raw emotions play out, was exhilarating and I could control the room. A lot of my colleagues say it’s hard enough dealing with one person let alone two, but I found couples work exciting and practical.
Roughly 12,000 people audition for each season of MAFS, and I also had to audition.
The process started with a group email that went to clairvoyants, match-makers, counsellors, neuropsychotherapists and life coaches. When I showed the email to my wife Kelly, we both thought it was a weird concept, strangers falling in love, but I went along.
They started by gathering us in one big room and we all wore numbers, like The X Factor.
Then we worked in groups of three and had to pretend to match-make a couple on camera. You had to work with two people you’d never met and talk about why the couple would be great together. We did that one day a week for a month as they whittled us down. We weren’t paid, as we were all intrigued. Then it came down to the final cut, and I got it.
I was sure the show would be one and done.
A series about relationships seemed very left field, with so many other shows about singing and dancing, cooking and renovating, but right from the word go, there was noise around it. After three seasons, it was supersized from six to 40 episodes each season, from four couples to 12, and instead of screening once a week, it now screens four times a week for 10 weeks and is seen in 120 countries. MAFS is a juggernaut.
I had to develop a really thick skin when MAFS blew up because the show is very polarising and people were coming for me.
From my appearance, to what I said and how I sounded, it was all dissected and it was brutal.
When MAFS started in 2014, social media wasn’t what it is today and the scrutiny became more relentless.
The rise of Instagram and TikTok made the show even more popular, and I had to deal with constant criticism. Because people don’t sit in the middle with MAFS, they either love it or hate it. I did go down the rabbit hole for a while, trying to stand up to the haters. It got to the point I wasn’t able to turn it off and I couldn’t be present, but the show manages my social media now and it’s much better for me, with me not being the driver.
I try to be kind to everybody who asks for a selfie, regardless of what they say or how inconvenient it is, at the gym or in an airport, or out with Kelly or the kids.
One example, I was staying at a gated community outside Arrowtown once. I was wandering down a very long driveway to take the bins out, and this car stops and the window goes down in the middle of nowhere, and they asked, ‘Are you the guy from MAFS?’
My wife Kelly was a much bigger deal than me when we met.
She was doing the weather and presenting lifestyle shows on TV3 when I was presenting a media bootcamp and she was in the audience. At the break, I went over and introduced myself and we struck up a friendship that grew from there.
Kelly is spontaneous and creative, and she has helped me navigate the world of media.
Planning and control used to be very important to me, but Kelly has taught me to let go and fly by the seat of my pants. If I was still a perfectionist, the show’s high stakes would be very stressful, but when things go wrong – and they do – I can pivot without a second thought. I’m a better person because of Kelly.
One of the many things I love about MAFS, you don’t know what will happen next, and I love having a front-row seat into the dating and relationship zeitgeist which changes very quickly.
We talk about gaslighting, OnlyFans, trad wives, the warrior mindset, and this year we learned about boss babes and blue and pink jobs. TikTok is another major influence on how people approach relationships, which I find shocking.
I also love that MAFS teaches people what not to do in a relationship.
On the show, you see gaslighting in all its glory. Partners who can’t say sorry or they flirt inappropriately. As a single person watching the show, you can see those red-flag behaviours and avoid those kinds of people in real life, and couples can learn what not to do in relationships.
I’m very grateful to MAFS as it’s allowed me to be around for the kids.
For pick-ups and drop-offs, making sandwiches, going to their musicals and sports events. The show is very intense when it films, but it allows me lots of flexibility and with young teenagers, I’m finding they’re needing me in different ways. And I love life with Kelly. She’s lots of fun, and she helps keep my feet on the ground and spend less time inside my head. I’m very happy with the balance of my life right now.”
Married at First Sight Australia screens 7pm Sundays to Wednesdays on Three and streams on ThreeNow.
