Weeks away from welcoming his fourth child, Moana Pasifika player Jackson Garden-Bachop couldn’t be more excited. But he’s also painfully aware he won’t get to share the moment with his beloved brother Connor, who died unexpectedly last year.
“There’s a hanging sadness that’s going to be there forever,” says the 30-year-old.
“It’s just learning to allow yourself to be happy. It’s something we talk about a lot as a family. I hope as time goes on, it’ll become easier to allow those moments to feel joyous.”
A sudden loss
In June last year, Highlanders star Connor died after an unspecified medical event while visiting family. Jackson and his whānau still have no explanation for what caused the seemingly fit and healthy 25-year-old’s death.
Although the days following the devastating news remain a blur, Jackson will never forget the brief phone call that changed his life forever. He’d just returned from a family holiday after completing his first season with CA Brive in France, when his sister Georgia, who was living in London, called to deliver the news. Within hours, Jackson and his young family were on a flight home.
More than brothers
The loss was unimaginable for Jackson, who describes Connor as more of a best friend than a brother. Just weeks earlier, they’d spoken about Connor’s final Super Rugby season. They also discussed his excitement about moving to Japan to begin his international career.
Brothers and best mates
Shares Jackson, “He annoyed the s**t out of me when we were younger, but as we got older, we became friends. He was the best man at my wedding and it’s not because he was my brother – it’s because he was my best mate. He was full of love, life and laughter.”
After Connor, who was a father to five-year-old twins, died, the family was inundated with tributes of love, which Jackson says was only fitting for his brother, who was always smiling.
“The number of messages we received was pretty overwhelming, but I think it was well deserved,” he reveals.
“He left a lasting impression on everyone he met, whether it was one time or if he knew them for years. He was always himself.”
Knowing he needed to be close to family, Jackson negotiated the termination of his French contract. He found a new home at Moana Pasifika – a team the proud Māori, Samoan, French Polynesian and Cook Island brothers dreamed of playing for together under the leadership of their cousin, former coach Aaron Mauger.
Playing side by side
Jackson also returned to his home club, the Wellington Lions. The last time he wore the jersey, Connor was by his side. Now, more than ever, the five years they spent together on the squad stand out as the highlight of his career.
“I understood in the moment how cool and rare it was to be able to play with my little brother,” says Jackson.
“I’m grateful it happened the way it did. “I try to carry the memory of him every time I do anything, not just on the field.”
The brothers’ success on the field isn’t surprising, considering the impressive sporting pedigree they hail from. Their father Stephen Garden was an All Black and their mother Sue Garden-Bachop a Black Fern. Numerous uncles and cousins have reached the top of their respective sports.
Inspired, not pressured
Despite the footsteps he followed in, Jackson says he never felt pressure to surpass his family’s achievements, as they only served to drive him.
“There was no expectation from Mum and Dad to reach those heights,” he says.
“They were going to love me no matter what. But it gave me inspiration – I wanted to be like them. Being able to see that it’s possible made me want to push the limit.”
The cost of success
That success came at a cost. The brothers were often at opposite ends of the country – or the world – especially after Jackson moved to Japan in 2022. They sometimes went months without seeing
each other. Jackson admits it took a long time to accept Connor wouldn’t suddenly walk through the door.
“There’s the initial shock and disbelief, and you keep expecting to see them,” he explains.
“Then there come times of acceptance, which are brutal, understanding that you’re never going to see them again. But then the disbelief returns and you think, ‘Is this really happening?’ The sadness
is ever evolving.”
Grief across generations
Navigating grief is something that Jackson understands all too well. He was only eight when his mum was diagnosed with leukaemia, and 14 when the disease stole her life. Now Jackson and his wife Rosie, 27, are helping their children Marley, five, Milo, four, and Matiu, one, understand why their uncle is suddenly gone.
“There were some tricky conversations we had to have around life and death,” reveals Jackson.
“They can’t comprehend what forever means, but they’re aware Uncle Connor’s not coming back and that he’s looking down on us. “Sometimes they’ll say, ‘I miss Uncle Connor. Can he see me when I play rugby? Does he know that I’m starting school?’”
Life’s unexpected turns
After the arrival of baby Matiu last year, Jackson and Rosie knew their family wasn’t complete. They didn’t plan on having number four little more than a year later, but they’ve always been good at taking life’s curveballs in their stride.
The pair, who married in 2022, were in their early twenties when they first met. Jackson lived with one of Rosie’s friends and the moment he saw her at their flat-warming party, he was smitten. Though they both knew early on that they had found their person, it was still a shock when Rosie became pregnant. Only five months after they started dating.
An unexpected blessing
“It was over-whelming and surprising,” recalls Jackson.
“But we loved each other, and we’d already talked about getting a house and having a family together. It just snuck up on us early.”
The happy accident was the best thing that ever happened to him.
“I always knew I wanted to be a dad,” he smiles.
“But I didn’t understand how much love I would have and how much purpose it would give me in my life until I had Marley. It’s everything.”
Cheering from the sidelines
The two older children have inherited Jackson’s sporting genes and he relishes cheering them on from the sidelines.
“They both love sport,” he proudly tells.
“Milo loves rugby, and Marley plays hockey, does dance and gymnastics. I’m yelling and cheering on the sidelines. I love bringing energy to their games, but I’m never going to be one yelling about mistakes.”
A future beyond the field
He still has years left in his career, but Jackson already knows how he’ll be spending his time once he retires.
“When I’m not so busy with my career, hopefully I’ll be able to go into more of a coaching role with all my kids’ teams.”
Family’s always been the centre of Jackson’s world – ask him what his proudest achievements are and rugby is far down the list. But the loss of his brother’s brought further clarity about where his priorities lie. He still has things he’d like to achieve in his rugby career, but these days, his best moments are soaking up simple joys.
Finding joy in the small things
“Over the past year, a lot of that career stuff has fallen by the wayside,” he admits.
“My goal in life is just to be happy and do things that I enjoy with the people I love. You never know what’s going to happen or when you’ll say goodbye for the last time. “My daughter just started school and is learning how to read and write. It’s rewarding to see my son get more involved with his rugby team and more comfortable being himself with his friends. I think Matiu will start walking soon. I’m appreciating all the small things that come my way day to day.”
