Dealing with a death of a friend or family member is something we’d rather our children didn’t have to deal with. But inevitably, grandparents or family friends die and you are faced with trying to guide your children through the grieving process.
Here are some tips for teaching your child to grieve and hopefully making it easier for them the next time:
- Let them be where you are.
The old Victorian practice of hiding children away from death will only set up a reason to fear what is actually a natural part of life or worse – prevent them from grieving properly. Allow them to see the body if they want, to be around the body if it is at home and have them attend the funeral.
- Try to answer their questions as honestly as you can.
Sometimes they can be quite gruesome, such as wanting to know the finer details of exactly how the person died, or inappropriate, such as why the dead person feels so cold.Do your best to explain and, if you feel the conversation may make people uncomfortable, tell your child you’ll tell them later.
- Heaven, hell, angels and demons are things that children want to know about, so have your answers ready.
If you believe in heaven and the afterlife, then explain that to them. If you don’t, be prepared to explain the concepts to them anyway and say why you don’t believe in it as well as giving them the nature lesson about bodily decomposition.
- Let them cry.
Sometimes children will genuinely cry, other times they will cry because everyone else is. Don’t tell them not to cry. It’s a process and, as upsetting as it is for you to watch, it has to happen. So comfort, don’t prevent.
- Take the lead.
If you walk into a room containing a dead body and start freaking out, saying you are scared and spooked, then you can expect your child to do the same and have the nightmares to go with it. If you’re not good around death then send the kids in with someone who is.
- Don’t hide your grief.
It’s important that your child sees you are upset and understands it is normal. Explain to them what you are feeling and why.
- Let them participate.
If your child wants to do something at the funeral then let them, but never force them. Some children find simple things like placing a flower on the coffin can help them feel involved. older children will often be quite capable of doing a reading.
- Give them the choice.
While some kids are more than happy to be present in every way through the grieving process, some kids just don’t want to and they need to know that’s okay too.
- Do let your child’s teacher know what’s going on.
Some kids save it all up until they are at school, so your teacher needs to know what is going on and also to tell you if there is some behaviour which needs addressing.
- Talk about cycles.
No matter what your religious beliefs, children will always benefit from a brief explanation about the cycle of life in nature such as plants which grow then die and then grow again next season. Perhaps you’ve had a family pet which has died of old age. Children will find it easier to see their grandparent’s death in terms of natural cycles.
- Be there to talk about it for a long time.
Just because the funeral is over doesn’t mean your child will stop thinking about it. Be prepared for the questions and talking to continue well after the funeral, even if you’d rather it just went away.
- Try to keep to your routine.
When things are going a bit haywire around them, kids need to know their routine won’t change. So as hard as it may be through your own grief to get dinner on the table and put the kids to bed on time, try to make it happen or get a friend to help you.
- Very young children don’t have the words to tell you how sad they are.
So do the talking for them to help them express how they feel.
- Make sure your child has a memory of the dead person.
If they can, most grandparents will leave something special for their grandchildren to remember them by but if this hasn’t happened, arrange it yourself. Something as simple as a clock, vase or favourite cup they can have to keep can hold memories for your child and may comfort them.
- Get them drawing and writing.
Buy a simple exercise book and encourage your child to write and draw in it during the mourning time and even at the funeral. It’ll give them something to do during what can be dull “adult time” and will also help to process their thoughts and feelings as the days progress. Expect some humour as a way to let feelings go.
- Give them more hugs
Children can often become quite demanding during the grieving process and will want more attention and more hugs than you ever knew it was possible to give. Give them, it works – and it’ll make you feel better too.
