Monty Adams
Happiness hasn’t always come easily to Kiwi broadcaster Hayley Holt. A public struggle with alcoholism and the devastating loss of her first child two years ago have taken her to some very dark places.
But it’s a smiling and relaxed Hayley, 42, who greets us as she opens the door to her home in Warkworth, just north of Auckland, with her gorgeous boy Raven bouncing on her hip. After going through so much, she’s finally found contentment with her fiancé Josh Tito and their much-longed-for baby.
“This little guy has really healed me,” she tells Woman’s Day, planting a kiss on eight-month-old Raven’s head and sinking into the sofa to chat.
“Motherhood has forced me to let go of the negative stuff”
With his cute toothy grin and sparkling blue eyes lighting up the room, her little boy is a bundle of delight. He might keep his parents up at night, but Hayley is simply besotted with the little boy who has changed her world.
“I find that my love for him just grows,” tells Hayley. “Motherhood has brought me so much joy. It’s forced me to let go of the negative stuff. If I’m carrying fears or if I’m feeling down, that’s just so unhelpful for him. He’s given me permission to be confident and sure. And having Raven means I can look forward to the future. I don’t need to worry any more.”
As well as introducing her adorable boy, Hayley is talking to us about her new autobiography Second Chances: Facing My Demons And Finding A Better Me, a moving memoir that offers an insight into the TVNZ sports presenter’s extraordinary life.
“When he first came out, I was like, ‘Who is this?'”, says the besotted mum.
From her childhood as a champion ballroom dancer and award-winning snowboarder, to her career in broadcasting, Second Chances takes readers on an emotional journey of highs and lows. It offers an unflinching account of her battle with alcohol and a heartbreaking insight into the loss of Hayley and Josh’s first child, Frankie Tai, who was stillborn on 25 April 2020.
Writing her story wasn’t easy, but Hayley hopes the book might bring comfort and understanding to others going through tough times.
“I went into this wanting to be completely open and vulnerable, but – oh, man! – there were times along the way when I thought about pulling the pin,” she admits with a laugh. “I’m definitely a bit nervous about my story being out in the world, but ultimately, I decided to do it because I knew that talking about losing Frankie would help people.
“People don’t talk about baby loss and no one knows what to say or how to act, so if opening up about my experience and my grief might help someone, then that has to be a good thing.”
Grandparents Robin and Murray saying goodbye to Frankie.
As a bonus, Hayley says working on the book has been cathartic. By reflecting on her childhood, which she describes as both wonderful and “overscheduled”, thanks to her rigorous dance training, she’s been able to make sense of things.
“I have amazing parents and I really did have a happy childhood, but I’ve also been able to see that in many ways, the ballroom-dancing world wasn’t particularly normal for a teenager.
“But it also taught me a lot, so it’s been interesting to look back on it. I’ve found that by breaking my life down into these pieces, I’ve been able to sort through it and make sense of things, which has helped me accept things now. I don’t feel like I’m carrying resentment or perceived wrongs and hurts – I can let things go now and move on.”
Dancing queen Hayley with a handful of awards in 1991.
However, she admits she was nervous about how her parents, Robin and Murray, who live nearby in Warkworth, might react.
“I love my mum and dad so much, and I never wanted to harm our relationship with a book, so that was a big consideration for me,” she says, admitting that initially her parents were excited about the idea of celebrating all Hayley’s achievements.
“I then had to point out it would also be about my drinking, my depression after Frankie and about carrying all that responsibility as a little starlet when I was a kid. They have accepted it, though, and I hope they’ll be proud of me when they see the book on shelves.”
Revisiting her boozing years was also difficult, says Hayley, who was known for her love of partying as she found fame on reality show Dancing With The Stars and sports programme The Crowd Goes Wild.
Facing the DWTS judges with Danyon Loader in 2006.
She had a very public fall from grace when, while working as a More FM radio host, an on-air drug test came back positive. Two days later, in a separate incident, she was taken off air for being intoxicated.
“There’s a lot of shame and embarrassment about those years,” Hayley confides. “I’ve realised how selfish I was with my drinking. It affected a lot of other people, not just me, and that’s not an easy thing to come to terms with, especially when you’re a people pleaser like me.”
While she gave up drinking almost eight years ago, Hayley reveals she relapsed on Frankie Tai’s first birthday in 2021. She’d been battling such intense grief, she made the very deliberate decision to numb the pain with booze.
Raven has his mother constantly in giggles.
“I know I shouldn’t say this, but I don’t regret falling off the wagon that night because I came away from it knowing absolutely I would never drink again. I had hoped maybe I could just have a few drinks and enjoy that escapism, but I learnt pretty quickly that I still can’t drink like a normal person.
“It doesn’t work for me. I don’t have the switch that most people have, where you know when to stop and when you’re not being fun any more.”
While Hayley still thinks of Frankie every day, her little whānau has provided the joy and love she so desperately needed.
“I haven’t been this happy since before I gave up drinking,” she confesses. “I feel a bit like the old Hayley, who can have fun and be silly.”
She will be forever grateful to her partner for coming into her life and for sticking with her throughout the depression that threatened to overwhelm her in the aftermath of Frankie’s death.
She and Josh, 32, who proposed on Christmas Eve, became friends about five years ago, but as Hayley explains in her book, she fell pregnant after confiding in him her fears that she might never become a mum.
They hadn’t planned on being together as a couple, but their feelings for each other grew. Becoming pregnant with Frankie Tai and then losing him when she was six months pregnant bonded Hayley and Josh forever. It was through their shared pain and grief that love blossomed.
At her brother’s wedding with Josh – and four months pregnant with Raven.
“Josh has been the huge gift that has come out of all of this,” says Hayley, showing us her stunning peridot and diamond engagement ring. “If Frankie hadn’t stuck around for as long as he did – if we’d lost him earlier – I don’t think we would have ended up together. So I will always be so thankful and grateful to Frankie for me and Josh falling in love.”
Josh, she says, is an incredible man and a wonderful father. They might have a 10-year age gap, but their union works. While Hayley, who was diagnosed with ADHD a year after giving up drinking, is prone to overthinking things, Josh is chilled out, with a hilarious sense of humour. He never faltered, despite Hayley’s grief.
She recalls, “I was a mess. I was depressed. I had PTSD from losing Frankie. We had only just got together, yet we had so much going on and I felt so bad for him. I remember saying to him, ‘I’m old and
I have a baby body, with no baby. You’re young. I’m ruining your life.’ But he stuck by me. It feels so lovely that we’re able to really enjoy each other now and enjoy Raven together. Life is working out.”
“Josh was born to be a dad.”
Wedding plans are yet to be arranged, with the couple’s focus now on settling Raven into day care for Josh’s return to his construction job in July. While Hayley went back to her TVNZ presenting role in April, Josh has been at home looking after their little boy.
“He’s such a good dad. He was born to be a dad. He is loyal and beautifully kind, but he’s also tough and firm, and doesn’t take s**t from me all the time, which is a good thing.”
She laughs when asked if Raven is sleeping through the night. “He’s not even close – he wakes about three or four times every night for a feed,” she says with a shrug. “I know I need to get him into a routine, especially with day care starting soon, but when he’s screaming in the middle of the night, it’s just easier to put him on the boob. I’m exhausted, but that’s OK.”
Raven is a mix of both her and Josh, muses Hayley. “He’s so cute and he has a wonderful little sense of humour. He has a cheeky glint in his eye, which I just love. He looks at me, does this little fake cough, then giggles and it just melts me.
“He looks like a perfect mix of both of us. When he first came out, I was like, ‘Who is this?’ He didn’t look like what I’d expected and I remember staring at him full of wonder, just thinking, ‘Who are you going to be?’
Who needs sleep when you can play with this cheeky fella?!
“I want what every parent wants for their kids – just that he’s happy. I want him to grow and have lovely friends, and be able to explore and find out what he’s interested in. Part of me can’t wait for it, but you don’t want it to go too fast.”
Josh – who is of Ngāti Tūwharetoa and Ngāpuhi descent – went to kōhanga reo and kura kaupapa as a child, so immersing Raven in te reo is important to the couple.
“I feel so excited for his future,” smiles Hayley. “I look forward to seeing him go off to school with his little backpack on, getting to know his little friends that he’ll make.
“When he first came out, I was like, ‘Who is this?'” says the besotted mum.
“Raven has brought a beautiful happiness and joy to my life, and I feel grounded and content and happy. I used to spend far too much time thinking about myself and my shortcomings. Now I’m just
here for life. Family time is really the only thing that matters.”
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