Wellington executive assistant Helen Culver (31) is so sure she never wants children that she has decided to have her tubes tied. But getting the operation done at such a young age proved to be very difficult.
oy specialist looked at me and frowned. “Now, Helen, are you really sure you want to have your tubes tied?” he said. “What happens if you meet your perfect man?”
I told him, “If you tie my tubes for me, you will be my perfect man.”
We both laughed, but it wasn’t really a joking matter. I had been trying for three years to have my tubes tied – otherwise known as a tubal ligation – but my age (I was in my late twenties when I starting asking to have the surgery) and the fact that I’d never had children counted against me.
I have actually met my perfect man and he completely supports my choice to be sterilised. But trying to get the operation done proved to be a mission.
I’ve never made a decision not to have children – it’s just the way I am. I’ve felt this way for as long as I can remember. When other little girls were playing mummies with their dolls, I was outside climbing trees.
It’s not just one part of having children that puts me off, it’s the whole thing. I just couldn’t cope with being pregnant, and the thought of going through labour is terrifying. I’ve seen one of my best friends within an hour of her giving birth and I remember looking into her eyes and thinking, “I could never go through this.”
Babies scare me, toddlers frustrate me and although older kids are easier to get on with, I wouldn’t want to be responsible for one all the time. Then they turn into teenagers and once they become adults, you have to let them go out into the world. And it’s not a great world to bring kids into, what with poverty and crime, global warming and wars.
Having said that, I can understand why other people do want to have kids and that their children bring them a lot of joy. I have two honorary nieces and I absolutely adore them. But being a parent is just not for me.
There have been times when I wished I felt differently – when I wanted to fit in with everyone else or when I wanted to try to save a relationship. But I can’t deny the way I feel. At the start of relationships, when I’ve thought they might be going somewhere, I have always brought up the subject straight away.
I’d say, “I never want children. And don’t hold out hope I might change my mind because I won’t.” I’m sure some relationships didn’t work out because I felt that way, but I had to be honest.
oy boyfriend, who I’ve been with for 18 months, accepts my feelings and although he doesn’t have strong feelings on the subject either way, he supports me. He has been great. People say, “Why doesn’t he have a vasectomy?” But this isn’t about him – it’s about my body and finding a solution that works for me.
There is a stigma attached to not wanting to have children and people have recoiled in shock when I’ve told them I wanted my tubes tied. But the people who know me well have always been supportive. My mum is great – she has been really understanding. I think my dad was a little disappointed but he has come to accept it.
About three years ago, I started thinking seriously about sterilisation. I had been on the Pill for more than 10 years and didn’t want to keep putting hormones into my body. I didn’t want to live with the mood swings, bloating, bad skin and headaches. You do have to wonder what the Pill does to your body in the long term.
I asked Family Planning for a referral to the public health system and was told that I was too young. I asked again a year later, and was again told there was no chance of getting a tubal ligation because of my age and the fact I hadn’t already had a family. So I asked to have an IUD inserted, which seemed a better option than the Pill. But not long afterwards I had an abnormal smear test and further tests showed I had low-grade abnormal cells. I was told I needed laser treatment and the IUD would have to come out.
That made me determined to have my tubes tied and I asked again for a referral. This time I got it but the response from the public health system was “no way”. I was told there were women ahead of me on the waiting list who had higher priority.
I tried finding information about tubal ligations in New Zealand on the internet but there were no guidelines about what the criteria were. I rang a few private clinics but got nowhere and ended up really upset.
Then I went to see a counsellor, who suggested talking to a psychiatrist. She said it would help prove to a surgeon that I had thoroughly explored the implications of no longer being able to have children.
At first I was angry at the thought of seeing a psychiatrist. I thought, “Just because I don’t want kids, it doesn’t mean I need my head read.” But I’m glad I did it. I had one hour-long session and it helped me be absolutely sure it was what I wanted.
The psychiatrist wrote me a letter and I found a specialist who was happy to do the operation, as well as the laser treatment I needed at the same time. In the weeks leading up to the surgery – it cost $3675 – I wondered if I would start having doubts, but I didn’t. I felt very certain.
I had my tubes tied a month ago, and when I woke up afterwards, I felt an enormous sense of relief. It is easy to have abortions, but it was tough for me to be sterilised. I was trying to make sure I would never need to consider having an abortion and I’m pleased I will never have to make that choice.
Despite the way I feel about having kids, I don’t know if I could go through with an abortion. Having my tubes tied is not a decision I have made lightly and I know I’ve done the right thing. As told to Donna Fleming Photograph by Neil ocKenzie
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