Nici Wickes is nothing if not determined. The popular food writer has had her share of challenges over the years – with adrenal fatigue, inflammatory disease ankylosing spondylitis, her Port Waikato studio flooding during Cyclone Gabrielle, depression and a difficult menopause. But as she talks to the Weekly about her fourth cookbook, More From a Quiet Kitchen, Nici feels she’s finally found her joy.
“After my first two books – World Kitchen and Cook, Eat and Enjoy, I had a bit of a hiatus,” she tells. “Writing ‘just another cookbook’ didn’t interest me. I wanted to write about what life means to me, I suppose. It’s very freeing. I’m enjoying sharing my world and hopefully having people identify with what I’m talking about.”
What she’s talking about is finding peace living solo, being child-free and creating nourishing recipes designed for one or two people.
“Many recipes say, ‘serves four to six’, but that’s not how I cook because I live alone,” she explains. “A lot of people find themselves unexpectedly alone, perhaps through widowhood, divorce or when the kids leave home. I wanted to change the narrative so we aren’t apologetic about cooking for one.”
While Nici has clever kitchen skills, she says her latest book – a follow-up to her 2022 book A Quiet Kitchen – is “really a self-help book disguised as a cookbook”.
“I’m fascinated by the human condition,” she says. “I did psychology at university and I’ve been in therapy for more than 20 years. It took me a long time to find contentment and become comfortable with myself and my imperfections.
“In my thirties, I was very focused on what I didn’t have – a house, a partner, children – and I felt very discontented. Now I’m in my fifties, I do have a house, but I don’t have any of the other things. I’ve learned to feel enriched by the life I’ve created for myself.”
Despite a lot of soul-searching, Nici hasn’t quite hit nirvana yet. “On a bad day, I’m still a melancholic heap, but cooking helps me.”
Now she recognises it, she knows what to do. “Cooking is usually the first thing to go if I’m feeling out of sorts, so I get back into the kitchen,” she says. “Cooking is such a nurturing thing to do – it always brings me back into myself. I don’t mean getting super-technical or creating a three-course meal – you don’t want to set yourself up for failure. Just throw something together – squeezing meatballs out of sausages and into a pan, for example, then adding some onions and red peppers, lentils, a splash of vinegar and spinach, and topping with some crumbled feta.”
Nici also uses cooking as a way of connecting with others. “It’s such a motherly characteristic,” she tells. “I don’t have kids, but food makes me feel motherly. I’m forever giving food away to people. Recently, some people in my community set up an informal meal delivery service for anyone who’s struggling, whether personally or financially, and helping out was a no-brainer for me. Every week, I create up to 10 single serves of something – a lamb casserole, soup, a pudding… I love it.”
While she enjoys the practical aspects of giving food, Nici is refreshingly open about her motivation.
“I’m generous, but I’m also a recovering people-pleaser,” she laughs. “I do it because I like the feeling it gives me when people enjoy it.
“I’m someone who enjoys giving, and putting my focus onto others somehow makes me feel better. It’s a selfish motivation really.”
These days, Nici is comfortable in her own skin. “I have two sides – I have a natural extroversion and overbearingness that comes from enthusiasm and optimism, but although I find people irresistible, they exhaust me too,” she admits. “I’m much better about accepting both sides of me. I think that started to crystallise after I passed 50.
“I spent decades agonising over what others were thinking about me or why I wanted a different lifestyle, but I’ve learned to surrender to it.”
While she still gets asked about her relationship status quite a lot, Nici’s happy with the status quo. “Humans are obsessed with other people’s relationships!” she laughs. “I don’t think about getting a partner any more than I think about taking up cricket or roller skating. I don’t even say ‘never say never’ because that implies some sort of hopefulness. A lack of hope isn’t the issue – I have a lack of intentionality.”
Meanwhile, she has plenty to be getting on with.
“I love being at home with my cat and I have lots of loving, intimate relationships in my life that bring me joy,” she says. “This book is introspective, but it’s also a celebration. Being on your own doesn’t need to be a sad, lonely journey.”
Help is here
Need to talk? Free call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor.
Lifeline – 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP).
Samaritans – 0800 726 666
Learn more about Nici’s work at her website, niciwickes.com
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