Photography: Jessica Jones Photography.
For many years, Milinda Higgins quietly navigated pelvic pain, pregnancy loss and fertility treatment, all while attempting to manage her grief at not becoming a mother.
“My parents were young when they had me, just teenagers, so I had lots of younger cousins and I was their little mother hen,” she recalls.
“I loved kids so much, I even worked as a reliever at a preschool in my late teens and I always knew I’d be a mum.”
But having suffered terrible pain from the beginning of her menstrual cycle, Milinda was prescribed injectable Depo-Provera at the age of 16 to put a stop to her agonising periods.
“Then I learnt it could take years to get pregnant after stopping, so I had my last jab in my early twenties, but my period didn’t come back for ages. It only returned when a specialist used more medication to restart my cycle, but the pain and heavy bleeding also came back.”
Holding on to hope
Newly married by then, Milinda was delighted when she became pregnant at 22.
“But after that first pregnancy, we miscarried four times,” says the now- 39-year-old.
“My husband and I started IVF with excitement and hope, because I was young and we had time on our side.”
But after their first treatment at a fertility clinic in Christchurch proved unsuccessful, what followed were years of medical procedures and chronic pain as she tried repeatedly to have a baby.
With the marriage ending, Milinda found support in unexpected places.
“I’ve always been a big journaller,” she says.
“After I shared some blog posts about what I’d been going through, I got loads of private messages. Some from women I knew, others I didn’t. The ones I did know, I had no idea they’d been facing similar struggles because none of us actually talked about those things.”
A new chapter
A new seed was planted, with Milinda deciding to write a book about those difficult times and her fertility struggles. The result is Beyond The Nest: A Journey Through Infertility, Transformation And Rediscovering Purpose, which combines her personal story with exercises and wellness tools – “partly because I couldn’t find the books I wanted to read”.
While Milinda admits she found some of the raw moments difficult to share, once published, the feedback she got from her readers validated her decision.
“I wanted women to know that they’re not broken and there’s a life after infertility,” Milinda says.
“Through counselling, personal development, holistic wellbeing practices and a great deal of self-reflection, I slowly rebuilt my sense of identity. I came to understand that my worth was never dependent on becoming a mother and that purpose can take many forms.”
Along with the book, she says what also helped was honouring her “angel babies” at the Shinnyo Lantern Festival, a cultural ceremony held each year in Hawai’i.
“That was one of the most therapeutic things I’ve ever done. Thousands of bereaved people write messages about letting go of the bad and welcoming the good. Everyone then lights a lantern and wades into the water to let the lanterns go. It was the most beautiful way to heal and honour what I’d been through.”
A new chapter begins
However, Milinda admits the publication of her book has been bittersweet as she underwent a hysterectomy just weeks after it was released.
“That permanently closed the door on my fertility journey.”
Today, Milinda lives in Blenheim with partner Hayden Blick, 52.
“He is behind everything I do. Like in 2019, when I had an a-ha moment and moved from working in admin, accounting and finance, which I’d done since I left school, to becoming a holistic wellness practitioner.”
But perhaps Milinda’s greatest gift is that she’s always held firm to hope.
“Rather than ever feeling defeated, I’ve learnt to have an overwhelming sense of peace, acceptance and healing. That’s how I’m stepping into this new chapter of my life.”
To learn more about Milinda’s work or to order a copy of her book, go to essence-and-soul.com.
