Photos: Hagen Hopkins
Juggling a household with four young children is not for the faint-hearted at the best of times. But life really became difficult for Wellington mum Alice Cai when her marriage broke down, leaving her struggling to hold her family together.
“I was determined to bring up my children in a better environment,” says Alice, 42.
“Life was very difficult,” she reveals. “I didn’t have family in New Zealand for support. My eldest son, Boshu, was only comfortable with me and wouldn’t try anything new.”
She knew the protective shield Boshu, now 14, had built around himself wasn’t healthy and she also worried about her three other children, sons Yaoyao, 13, and Latham, nine, and daughter Ebby, seven.
Adding to her woes, doctors diagnosed Ebby with a kidney condition that needed surgery.
It felt like yet another low point in her life, but the time Alice and her sons spent at hospital caring for Ebby delivered them an unexpected lifeline.
“A social worker could see I was struggling to cope on my own with four children,” recalls Alice. “They told me about an organisation called Big Buddy that provides father figures for boys without dads in their lives, and suggested I enrol Boshu.
“I was near rock bottom, so not knowing what else to do, I took their advice. When the phone call came to say that Big Buddy had found a match for him, I knew I had to trust the process. He needed to be around people who encouraged him.”
The buddy Boshu had been matched with was Ryno Viljoen, a 33-year-old Wellington printing press operator.
“He’s young, tall, very strong and has a beard,” laughs Alice. “He laughs and talks loudly, and I could see he was a kind person and also a gentleman.”
The pair’s first outing included feeding deer and having a milkshake at McDonald’s.
“Boshu felt thrilled,” says Alice. “He didn’t talk much but he kept smiling.”
The following week, the pair went fishing and since then, they’ve done everything together from hunting, riding bikes on the beach, playing in the snow and tramping, to diving and camping.
“He was once that little boy who cried and wouldn’t let me go,” says Alice. “Now look at him!
“I can always be a mum, but I can never be a father figure. Boys interact with men differently. Having a man believe in them, and tell them, ‘You can do it’, builds their confidence.
“One day, Boshu told me Ryno was like an uncle to him and I was really touched. I’m happy he has someone he can trust so much.”
Ryno, in turn, says his four years as Boshu’s Big Buddy have been rewarding in too many ways to count.
“It’s truly humbling and massively rewarding to see the difference you can make,” he enthuses. “My biggest joy is seeing Boshu do things with confidence and without fear of failure. We’ll be mates for years to come.”
Ryno decided to sign up for the programme because he knows what it’s like to miss a dad.
“From the age of seven, I rarely spent time with my dad. He moved overseas and could only visit once every two years or so.”
Luckily, Ryno was able to spend holidays and weekends with his uncle on his farm.
“He mentored me in all things, from fishing and hunting, to learning a good work ethic and caring for his family,” he enthuses.
“Only much later in life did I realise how often I approach things by asking myself what my uncle would have done. It instilled a lot of wisdom and values, and knowing how much it influenced me, I just had to pass it on to someone else who needed it.”
These days, Alice’s life is still hectic raising her kids, but with the support of Big Buddy – Yaoyao and Latham have now also been matched with buddies – she feels well supported to embrace life.
“They like to hang out with their buddies and enjoy the activities, but it will take time to build their relationships,” Alice shares. “I’ve seen Boshu and Ryno grow together, and I know it will happen for my other boys.”
Big Buddy launched in 1997 and has matched more than 1200 boys with father figures. There is, however, a huge need for more Big Buddies.
For more info on becoming a role model or to donate, visit bigbuddy.org.nz
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