Unlike Hollywood movies, which often portray happy families coming together to celebrate and unwrap gifts under the tree, for some of us, December can be anything but merry. If you’re dealing with the death of a loved one, are under financial pressures, battling illness or are in the midst of estrangement, divorce or a relationship conflict, it probably feels like everyone is in the holiday spirit bar you.
And with Christmas carols playing on the radio and the supermarket shelves lined with festive treats, it’s hard not to feel like a failure for appearing less than joyous.
“The holidays come with a lot of expectations around happiness and togetherness, which can make it really tough if you’re feeling the opposite,” explains Rachel Clements, a psychologist and member of the R U OK? Conversation Think Tank.
“The pressure to be festive can make feelings of loneliness, stress or grief feel even bigger. Plus, the end of the year tends to get people reflecting on things, which can raise any unresolved challenges from the past year.”
Carli Cox says this time of year is particularly hard for her as December 23 is the date her 21-year-old son Mitchell died by suicide.
“Every year, as the date approaches, a deep sense of sadness descends upon my family,” explains Carli.
“The holiday season, with all its festivities and celebrations, becomes a minefield of emotions as we attempt to navigate our way through. The lead-up to these occasions can be just as challenging as the days themselves.”
It’s a similar story for Carly Woodhouse, who says her upbringing has had a major impact on her mood come December.
“Growing up without the typical loving family unit has meant Christmas and the festive season have always represented a time of difficulty and loneliness for me,” she shares.
“While l try to disguise my feelings of sadness by working or keeping busy, I have never been able to shake the feeling of emptiness and often spend the festive season battling some really dark days.”
Don’t suffer in silence
If you find this period particularly difficult, Rachel says it’s important to let yourself acknowledge what you are feeling instead of putting on a brave face.
“You don’t have to force yourself to be cheerful,” she says.
“Set boundaries, say no to things that might overwhelm you and take time for self-care, whether that’s resting, connecting with people who support you or just doing something you enjoy.”
Even if you’re not dealing with a specific traumatic event, the idea of having a “Hallmark card” holiday tends to set unrealistic expectations, and when our plans don’t match those expectations, it’s easy to feel disappointed. Add to that the financial stress of gifts, parties and travel, as well as tense family relationships, and it’s enough for anyone to feel overwhelmed.
“Focus on making the holidays your own in a way that works for you and brings you peace,” Rachel suggests.
“Everyone’s experience is different and when we let go of the idea of the perfect holiday, we can enjoy it more in a way that actually fits our lives.”
Lend a helping hand
If a friend, neighbour or family member is struggling, Carli encourages us to reach out instead of avoiding the subject.
“Acknowledge that it might be a difficult time for them – don’t shy away from it,” Carli says.
“For anyone experiencing grief, what has helped me is being transparent. The weight of loss can make you feel like you’re the only one who understands your pain, but this is far from the truth. “Share your memories, heartache and struggles with your close circle of friends or family,” she says.
“They want to help and support you, and allowing them in can be a source of strength.”
Carly says it doesn’t need to be a grand gesture – a phone call to let someone know you’re thinking of them or inviting them to lunch is enough.
“I’m lucky to have some genuine friends who check in with me regularly throughout the Christmas period. They remind me there is a seat for me at their family Christmas. Although it doesn’t change my situation, those acts of kindness and empathy allow me to feel connected, giving me strength to get through some really tough times.”
Rachel agrees that the best thing you can do is to be there to listen without trying to offer solutions. It could be as simple as keeping them company while you watch television together.
“Let them know it’s okay to experience what they’re feeling and that you’re there for them. Even small things, like spending time with them or helping with little tasks, can make a big difference.”
Feel your feelings
Even though your holidays this year might look different to previous years, it’s important to remember that you likely won’t feel like this forever.
“The first couple of years, it was obvious that I wasn’t coping well,” reveals Carli.
“However, as time passed, I spoke about what I was going through rather than internalising it. It has taken a lot of work, but even though I have this underlying pain, I now have joy too.”
Christmas is one day in what’s possibly been a hard year and if you or a loved one can’t muster up some festive cheer right now, that’s okay. Take the pressure off to be happy and you never know – there might be moments of happiness too.
Feeling low this Christmas? Eight ways to cope
Prioritising your mental health and letting go of the idea that you must be cheerful and decking the halls at this time of year can certainly help you navigate and manage the merry-making going on around you.
1. Set realistic expectations
The holidays often come with pressure to be happy or social, but it’s important to acknowledge that it’s okay to not feel festive. Don’t force yourself – it’ll only make you feel resentful in the long run.
2. Prioritise self-care
Make time for yourself by doing activities that bring you comfort, whether it’s reading a book, taking a long walk or booking a massage. Sometimes a bit of solitude is just what you need to recharge.
3. Limit social media
Social media can amplify feelings of inadequacy or sadness during the holidays. Try limiting your time online as constant exposure to others’ celebrations can trigger feelings of loneliness or comparison.
4. Reach out for connection
Instead of feeling isolated, reach out to a friend or family member. Even a simple chat can lift your mood. If you can, consider volunteering – helping others can foster a sense of connection and purpose.
5. Don’t be afraid to say no
If attending certain gatherings or events overwhelms you, it’s okay to decline. Setting clear boundaries is a form of self-care – just make sure you’re not isolating yourself in the process.
6. Plan ahead
Anticipating stress during the holidays can help you better manage it. Make a loose plan for how you’ll spend the time, focusing on things that nurture your mental health. Having a structure can reduce anxiety about the unknown.
7. Watch your alcohol intake
It might be tempting to have a few drinks to help get into the party spirit, but alcohol can contribute to stress, anxiety and depression once the initial buzz wears off.
8. Get some professional support
If the holiday season is too overwhelming, seek help from a psychologist or counsellor. They can provide coping strategies and offer a safe space to talk about your feelings.
Help is here
Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO).
Depression Helpline – 0800 111 757 or free text 4202 (to talk to a trained counsellor about how you are feeling or to ask any questions).
