Relationships

When I have sex I constantly think about my ex

Sexpert Jodie Molloy gives advice on this predicament and more.

Q. When I have sex, I constantly think about my ex-partner, who was a terrible boyfriend but amazing in bed. How do I stop this and concentrate on my current partner, who is lovely? I really want it to work out with him.

A. Some people just end up in our sexual DNA. It is perfectly normal to think about ex-lovers while in the throes of being physical. For some, it’s a fleeting memory, but for others, there may be a particularly strong sexual association to a person from their past that can feel debilitating. To feel so conflicted during and after sex makes you either a killjoy or a really good actor, but neither is very good for your sexual self-esteem.

When faced with average sex with a person you want to be with, versus incredible sex with somebody you don’t, most of us know what the common sense answer is. But removing these comparisons can be hard and the anxiety over doing it can become compulsive. While some people are strong enough to deal with this issue honestly and openly, you need to decide if the preoccupation needs to be brought up with your partner.

Another option is to invest heavily in trying to replace old memories with new ones, and stop beating yourself up over something that is natural and normal.

Accept that your sexual memories can live happily alongside your present – so long as it stays in your head, not your heart.

Q. My husband has started suggesting that we try new sexual moves and after 19 years of being married,I have no idea where he is getting this inspiration from. My friends say he must be cheating, but I’m not so sure. Should I trust him or am I just being completely naïve?

A. Somewhere along the line,you’ve forgotten that your husband is meant to be your best friend. When you rely on second-hand gossip and assumptions instead of going to the source, you are really doing yourself and your partner a lack of respect.

There’s only one way to find out the truth and that is to ask him. If you sense that he’s lying to you, only you can be the architect of what comes next. On the other hand, 19 years is a long time – perhaps he is asking you now because he needs novelty and would rather explore it within your relationship instead of hiding his desires or getting involved in extramarital shenanigans. So do consider that your husband may have driven himself crazy with the regular bedroom routine and he’s finally found the courage to ask for more variety.

Alternatively, like over half the population, he may be watching pornography,getting some new ideas and hoping that some of what he sees online can be translated into his bedroom.Unless you really take umbrage with the things he’s suggesting, take equal ownership over the health and vitality of your sexual relationship and be open to making room for more fun.Think of this as something of a second sexual chapter!

Get adventurous and expand your sexual world with Peachés and Cream, which has the largest selection of erotic playthings and sex toys in New Zealand.

If you have a question for Jodie, write to [email protected] or Woman’s Day, Private Bag 92512, Wellesley Street, Auckland

Get Woman’s Day home delivered!  

Subscribe and save up to 29% on a magazine subscription.

Related stories