Whether it’s a family issue, a health concern or a career crisis, women are experts at brushing off all manner of worries with two little words: ‘I’m fine’.
So NEXT deputy editor Emma Clifton invited a group of women to gather for lunch, laughter and candid chatter on the sort of topics we all think about but often sweep aside.
Over rose and platters at a central Auckland restaurant, NEXT writers Nicky Pellegrino, Kylie Bailey, Deborah Hill Cone and lifestyle coach Sarah Laurie covered everything from social media and parenting pressures, to navigating menopause and negotiating a pay rise.
While the opinions sometimes differed, the consensus was the same: these are issues all modern women face, and usually keep to ourselves – but we shouldn’t be afraid of starting a conversation.
Today, we discuss what it’s really like to be a woman in the workplace.
Emma: Do you think women give up on getting to the top of their careers, as the sacrifice becomes too much?
Deborah: I know women who could be on boards, who have got to a certain point, and given up so much to get there, and then it’s like, ‘I’m really not prepared to frustrate myself.’ I have friends who have said, “I can’t be dealing with it anymore.” They still want to do it, but the price is too high. It’s not even about having kids,
it’s about having elderly relatives, or health issues, or family issues.
Kylie: I talked to a lady recently who has a business based around getting women into powerful positions through equity funding. It’s a crowd-funding business she has developed because venture capital doesn’t flow to women, so this model is women funding women basically. She was saying you’ll be at a dinner party with women with lots of power and lots of money, and all they have to do is put in $1000 towards [the cause], but it’s harder to get the money from those types of people than from millennials, who will put the $1000 on their credit cards to help.
Deborah: Being a millennial seems like a label that is freighted with all these critical things. Women of my age bitch about millennials, because often, if I’m really honest, it’s that they are jealous of them. There is quite a negativity towards younger women that I think is a shame. It would be really good if we had ways of women connecting with younger women.
Emma: Women don’t ever talk about money; is this holding us back?
Kylie: I was talking about this the other day with somebody, and we both have independent companies and it turns out we were on exactly the same hourly rate. This was a person I had spent about 10 years working with in a corporate environment, but it took us a while to get to that place where the topic was comfortable.
Nicky: You’re always worried that if you ask for too much money, people will just say no and move on. You do think ‘Am I being greedy?’
Sarah: It is uncomfortable, that constant comparison between men and women, but I don’t think men sit around and say, ‘How will I ask for what I’m worth in that role?’ They just name it.
Kylie: I’m interested in this website called the Daily Worth, which talks about finances from a feminine perspective, and to believe what you are worth and get what you want. One thing it taught me was to ask for a range, so if you’re uncomfortable to say ‘This is how much I charge’, then do a range, knowing that the range is actually an extra $1000 more than you would have had the guts to ask for in the past. The other thing is the self-talk to believe that you actually are worth that much.
Sarah: My daughter was asked to do some tutoring and payment wasn’t mentioned, and she asked me, “What should I say about money?” I was really mindful of myself as I feel uncomfortable about money, but I wanted it to be a lesson for her around feeling confident about that topic, not feeling bad about it, and recognising that she had value and was worthwhile. We sat down and worked out some figures and she did it, she had the conversation, and she got the money. And I think that has to be a lesson that’s instilled in young girls that money and self-worth need to go hand in hand.
Kylie: The other thing I have learned is just to shut up – don’t try to justify it. Just put something on the table and think ‘This is it’. In the past I’ve twittered on because I’m nervous about even asking. The big thing is having the confidence to ask.
Sarah: Sometimes it’s around separating yourself from it and just dealing with the facts, not making it personal. It’s a classic women thing; we overanalyse.
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