Looking at Kevin Locke now, it seems implausible that just six weeks ago, he was gripped by some seriously dark, suicidal thoughts. There’s a glint in his eyes, a spring in his step and a big smile on his face.
“I’m pretty good, eh?” says the former Warriors fullback, who bravely revealed his decade-long battle with depression earlier this year. “I’ve been working on a lot of personal problems. Sometimes you think you’re doing OK and then you just drop back down. It’s not an easy road.”
Fresh out of rehab and alcohol-free for the past seven weeks, Kevin, who married Aussie-born netballer Chelsea Pitman in December, last week announced a switch to rugby union. After a brief stint with Southern Districts, he’ll make his Sydney Rams debut in August.
“It’s not the Waratahs,” he grins, referring to persistent rumours he’d signed with the high-ranking New South Wales team. “Nope. I want to prove myself first.”
And he’s applying this attitude to his personal life too. Kevin knows there’s no quick fix – he’s a work in progress. He last hit rock bottom on April 29. As he drove through the night in Auckland, suicidal thoughts came once more, like they’ve done on and off since his early teens.
“That’s when the feelings come to me, when I’m driving alone,” he says quietly. “I just feel like driving straight into a brick wall, a tree or a lamp post. I feel completely numb, careless. The thoughts come first and then the self-harm.”
It was his devoted wife Chelsea who issued the rehab ultimatum when he arrived, hungover and grumpy after a boozy night out, for his bi-monthly weekend visit to Wellington, where the Pulse netballer is based.
Promising to be “the best I can be” , Kevin insists, “I’ve made mistakes, but it’s about heading forward.”
“Chelsea just looked at me and said, ‘You’ve got to get help. I can’t do this.’ The long distance had really put a strain on things,” he says. “I was very lonely, being in my own little bubble away from Chelsea and the team. I was going through a really bad patch.
“I’d go down to see her every two weeks, which would make me feel good, but when I was alone, I’d be going out drinking. My head was all over the place. I had a drinking problem. I’d promised her I’d ease up on partying when we married, but I didn’t.”
Help came in the form of his former Warriors teammate Charlie Gubb, who took him to his South Auckland church. “I’ve never been religious, but I went along,” says Kevin. “Someone spoke and said, ‘Come up to the front if you feel like you need God or help.’ I just did it. I got to the front, put my hands in the air and briefly thought, ‘What the hell am I doing?’ But people put their hands on me and prayed for me, and it felt amazing.”
Buoyed by the experience, Kevin undertook a three-week church-affiliated rehab course. “I had nothing to lose,” he says. “I knew I was in a bad place, but sitting with a group of strangers, talking about everything you’re going through and listening to other experiences – things way worse than what I had been through – was healing.”
Now his skin looks clear and healthy, his thoughts are focused, and he feels positive and happy, enthusing about how he’ll see his three-and-a-half-year-old son Louie, from a previous relationship, after our interview.
Looking to the future, Kevin says he’d like to relive his wonderful wedding day.
“Louie’s doing good,” he says proudly. “His mum looks after him. I just have him now and then. He’s awesome. He’s a good little stick. You just try to make him feel he’s loved by both of us even though we’re not together.
That’s really important. I do anything he wants when I see him. He enjoys being read to – that’s a credit to his mum. When I was a kid, I never got read to. “He adores Chelsea too. She treats him as though he’s her own, although I’m sure he was hitting on her the other day!”
Happily, Kevin and Chelsea are in the best place they’ve been for a while. He’s been living with her Sydney-based parents Derek and Denise – and their dog Mojo – since crossing the Tasman “because it’s what I need and it gives her piece of mind”.
On the field for the Warriors in 2013.
Kevin tells, “We just spent a really awesome week together, going out to restaurants or just relaxing at home. What I notice the most is that we laugh way more now.”
And he’s learnt that instead of hiding his low moments and bottling his feelings, he needs to tell Chelsea when things aren’t going well.
“In the past, when I’ve felt the depression, I’ve held it until I explode. I’d grab glass and rip my face up.” Look closely and you can see little scars criss-crossing his cheeks. “Once, I put my head through a window. I just didn’t care … It’s just numbness.”
Excited by Kevin’s turnaround, the couple are planning to renew their vows on their first wedding anniversary in December, at Kevin’s Paeroa marae Ngahutoitoi. “I meant my vows,” he says. “I absolutely meant every word. It’s gone so fast, though. I’d like to do it all over again if I could – with her, obviously!”
And while he knows there are no guarantees in life, he insists he’s 100% committed to his new sober lifestyle. “Now it’s about training and appreciating life,” enthuses Kevin. “Obviously, I’ve made mistakes, but it’s about heading forward – having a few drinks, rather than a whole lot or even at all.
“You can have a life without alcohol. The battle is never over, but it’s about being the best I can be for Chelsea and Louie, and putting one foot forward at a time.”
See photos from Kevin and Chelsea’s fairytale wedding in the gallery below
