Robert Trathen
Love at first sight is how many new mums would describe the moment they laid eyes on their babies, especially if the birth follows fertility struggles and pregnancy issues. But when Anna Reeve and her radio star husband Jay welcomed twin boys Hunter and Oscar, the influencer struggled with being a mother to the “mini-Jays”, who now light up her world.
“Everyone tells you you’ll see your babies and fall in love straightaway, but they felt like little strangers,” says Anna, who’s competing in Three’s new reality series The Traitors NZ.
“I felt like a monster because I didn’t feel a connection and I couldn’t tell anyone because it’s like, ‘How can you not love your kids immediately?’ I just had to get to know them.”
Anna, 37, has since met many mums who had similar experiences and feels it’s important to break societal perceptions that instant bonding is “normal”. She insists, “If you’re not obsessed from the moment they’re born, it doesn’t mean you’re a heartless beast. You’re allowed to struggle. You’re allowed to fall in love slowly as you get to know them.”
These days, Anna couldn’t be more smitten with her nine-year-old boys, but the slow- burn love affair with family life is in contrast to her romance with Jay, 40, who had admired her in a New Zealand Woman’s Weekly article when she was 16. Although it was a few years before they met, they fell for each other “hard and fast”, before tying the knot at an Auckland church.
Celebrating 10 years of marriage with a Waiheke Island getaway last December, the couple agree that starting a family has been the biggest challenge in their 13 years together. Unable to conceive naturally due to Jay’s inactive sperm and Anna’s endometriosis, they endured two years of IVF.
The hurdle was “completely demoralising”, says The Rock presenter Jay. “We’re put on this planet to procreate, so when you find out you’re the reason that’s not happening, it’s like, ‘I’m not fit for purpose.’ It was an emotional roller- coaster and knowing it was my swimmers’ fault was hard.
“Then I watched Anna go through round after round of [ovulation stimulant] clomiphene, injections, pain and mood swings. There’s nothing tougher than watching your partner go through those trenches
and not being able to help.”
The two were stunned when told they were expecting twins. But while the moment should have marked the light at the end of the tunnel, it sparked darker times for Anna. Diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum (extreme vomiting during pregnancy), she threw up so much, she was 10kg lighter than normal before giving birth. The twins were also breech and transverse, causing “agonising” pain.
“I’d always looked forward to being pregnant, but I hated every moment because I was so sick, miserable and in pain,” confesses Anna. “I felt guilty I wasn’t more grateful, but I was in such a dark place, it was like an out-of-body experience.”
Hunter and Oscar arrived prematurely at 34 weeks. Struggling to bond while dealing with both boys suffering reflux and colic, screaming “for their first year” and only sleeping in 45-minute intervals, Anna experienced postnatal depression.
Showing off their little miracles to Woman’s Day readers in 2014.
“Women place so much pressure on themselves to live up to expectations as new mothers, but there are no instructions, especially with twins,” says Jay. “I think they call them twins because it sounds cuter than, ‘Two fking babies at the same fking time!’
“It’s a time you want to enjoy, but Anna didn’t get that, which was tough to watch. I’d be at work and she’d be surrounded by babies screaming from the moment they woke up. It weighed on her heavily.”
Anna’s mum Mary and Jay both encouraged her to seek help, but it was three months before she did. “I tried to be a martyr and push through until I broke down,” she admits.
A counsellor helped Anna realise how much of a “battle” she’d faced through IVF, pregnancy and first-time motherhood, and her mental state improved with time. Jay was a rock, helping with night feeds and jumping into dad mode after work, and the couple also consulted sleep specialist Dorothy Waide, who’s worked for Hollywood stars Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Anna now adores motherhood and has loved watching the twins develop their own bond. She smiles, “Their connection’s been so strong since they were babies holding each other’s tiny hands while I breastfed.”
While they were “chaos makers” as toddlers, they now make their own breakfasts, brew coffee for their parents and join Jay on outdoor adventures.
“The other day, we went rabbit hunting, then cooked up rabbit stew!” Jay enthuses.
“Having identical twins is like watching a live science experiment,” adds Anna. “Their DNA’s 99.9% the same, yet they’re different. Oscar will take the shirt off his back for you and never complains, while Hunter’s more calculated. He’ll throw Oscar over the fence to see if he gets hurt, then go, ‘Now I’ll do it.’ And he’ll comment on my outfits, saying, ‘Mummy, you look beautiful!'”
While they were “chaos makers” as toddlers, they now make their own breakfasts, brew coffee for their parents and join Jay on outdoor adventures.
“The other day, we went rabbit hunting, then cooked up rabbit stew!” Jay enthuses.
“Having identical twins is like watching a live science experiment,” adds Anna. “Their DNA’s 99.9% the same, yet they’re different. Oscar will take the shirt off his back for you and never complains, while Hunter’s more calculated. He’ll throw Oscar over the fence to see if he gets hurt, then go, ‘Now I’ll do it.’ And he’ll comment on my outfits, saying, ‘Mummy, you look beautiful!'”
Feeling beautiful is something Anna, a former model, struggled with post-labour, due to her weight loss. “Everyone was like, ‘You look incredible,’ but I was like, ‘I’m sick – this isn’t healthy!’ I could suddenly eat normal food without vomiting 20 times a day, so while most new mums are trying to lose weight, I needed to gain it.
“I also found it hard not having ownership of my body. For six months, I had two babies constantly on me, breastfeeding or sick, so once they were sleeping, I needed my bubble. I didn’t even want Jay touching me.”
“Faithfuls” Oscar (left) and Hunter can’t wait to watch Mum on TV!
Since becoming a mum, Anna also feels more comfortable having alopecia, a condition that left her without hair from age seven. She used to wear wigs more frequently and refused to go out without eyeliner to help conceal the absence of lashes, but she now happily does so. However, she still dons a wig during school pick-ups.
“I don’t want to draw attention to it because I got so bullied through primary school,” she explains. “Maybe with the boys being in primary, it brings back trauma! But they understand alopecia and half their friends think it’s cool.”
Anna’s had alopecia since she was seven.
Between parenting, Anna’s influencer work and Jay’s job co-hosting The Rock Drive, the couple somehow found time to build thriving RTD business Pals, which has become a staple of Kiwi summers. Anna’s blown away by what Pals, which they formed with friends, has achieved since 2019.
“Jay’s got photos of a guy with a Pals logo tattooed on his foot, which made me speechless! This was Kiwi number-8-wire stuff – we pulled some things together and it worked. There have definitely been struggles, though. Everyone thinks we’re a massive company, but it’s only recently that our team’s doubled and we’re still running on a skeleton crew given the size of what we’re doing.”
With so much to juggle, it’s hardly surprising Anna initially said “absolutely no way” to doing The Traitors. But after watching the trailers of international versions, she changed her mind, and now she believes her emotional intelligence and leadership skills will be helpful traits.
Jay’s excited for viewers to see how smart Anna is and he happily held the fort at home, telling Hunter and Oscar that Anna was simply away for work so they can enjoy the mystery of the series alongside the rest of Aotearoa.
A hug with Traitors co-star Julia Vahry.
“She’s committed so much of her life to us and hasn’t had a chance to do anything for herself for the last decade, so this was a great opportunity,” he says.
That unwavering mutual support is one reason their feelings for each other just get stronger even 10 years into marriage. Anna smiles, “I didn’t realise the depths to which love can keep growing. The longer we’re together, that connection evolves and we grow together.”
The Traitors NZ screens Mondays 7.30pm on Three.
