The parent trap
Hey, Judge Jay-Jay!
I’m of that age where all my friends have gone off to have babies. I don’t love kids and definitely won’t have any myself, but I try to make an effort by fussing over my mates’ children and faking an interest.
My problem is that I feel like it’s ruining my relationships with these people I love and, to a lesser extent, my social life. When I suggest popping round or hanging out, even just for a coffee, I often get a long spiel about how hard it is to find a babysitter or an in-depth account of their child’s sleeping schedule. I try to sympathise, but it’s so boring and often results in us not catching up.
It’s got to the point where I don’t even feel comfortable calling or texting to meet up.
I realise these people have got a lot going on in their lives and that I might sound selfish, but it feels like I’m losing my mates. What can I do?
Sarah, Auckland
Hi Sarah,
It is hard to be the only friend in the group who’s not a parent. I fostered my nephew for 10 years, so I know what it’s like on both sides of the fence. Being a parent is hard work and a huge responsibility.
Now that your friends have kids, their priorities and the dynamic of your relationship will change. They won’t be making excuses when they tell you they have to work around their baby’s sleep schedule, that babysitters are hard to find or that they’re too tired – it’ll be the hard, honest truth.
Most parents get to a point fairly quickly where they envy their child-free friends like you! They do still love you and value your friendship, but you’re going to have to be a bit more understanding and flexible.
There’s no reason why you can’t still pop in for coffee, but bear in mind that this will have to be more on their schedule and not yours. You have more time on your hands than them, so surely you can work around them a bit?
As the kids get a little older, your friends will value time away, so that’s when you can plan fun weekend getaways or dinners out and things like that.
Patience is going to be key and, in the meantime, try to enjoy your freedom. Believe me, it’s valuable to have so much of it!
Jay-Jay
A problem shared is a problem halved! Send your sticky issues to Jay-Jay – email [email protected].
