Wedding jitters
Hi Jay-Jay,
This is hugely awkward for me. I have been with my partner for three years and we are living together. We get on so well and have lots of fun.
However, I have heard rumours from a couple of friends that he is planning to propose to me and he supposedly already has the ring. This is too much for me. I love him. I love being with him. But is it weird that I don’t see him in my future? I do not want to marry him. I’m happy with the way things are now, but I don’t want to be tied to him by marriage.
This is making things awkward at home. I can’t bring it up because it’s meant to be a surprise, but even if I did, what would I say? I am dreading him proposing to me. I can’t imagine how humiliated he would be if I said no.
This is so hard. Please, please, help me get out of this.
Stef, Dunedin
Hi Stef,
I thought being Judge Jay-Jay would be easy. I love helping people with their dilemmas and relationship issues, but this one almost has me stumped.
Have you never had the marriage chat? Surely you have talked about it? Is he under the impression you want to marry him? I wish I knew these answers. But looking at your email on face value, with the limited information I have, I am going to suggest you do something slightly uncomfortable.
You need to let him know you love him but don’t want to get married. Perhaps you can bring it up as pillow talk one night. Ask him, “Do you have a five- or 10-year plan for us?” and see what he says. If he mentions marriage and babies, there is your opportunity to have the conversation without letting on you know his proposal plans.
Be honest with him. Tell him you love him, but ask him how he feels about you not wanting to marry right now. You have to make sure he knows this before he gets down on one knee. He might be very understanding, but it’s definitely a lot better to have this chat now rather than when he’s blinding you with a diamond in a romantic setting.
I hope this makes sense and helps a little. Honesty can be hard, but dishonesty and false impressions are far more devastating.
Good luck, Jay-Jay
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