Photography: Mark Robotham
For years, Rachel Strevens thought there was something wrong with her. While from the outside she had it all – a busy finance career, happy children and a smooth-running household – her sex drive was nonexistent.
“As women, we prioritise everybody else ahead of ourselves,” explains Rachel.
“Our needs and wants sit at the bottom of the pile. If you’re not getting the time to look after your own health and wellbeing, it affects how you feel about yourself sexually.”
By the time the Aucklander’s marriage ended, she was 40 and was convinced her intimate life was over.
Embracing a new chapter
“I accepted that part of me had died,” she admits.
Encouraged by friends, the financial consultant decided to try new experiences.
Says Rachel, “I called it my year of self-discovery. I decided to forget about the norms of what we are taught, what sex is and what’s acceptable, and just embrace finding myself sexually.”
After doing lots of research, Rachel bought new sex toys and started experimenting with different sexual positions.
“I found ones that hit different pleasure spots,” she says.
“For me, sex is never just one position – it’s constantly seeing what feels good.”
Discovering orgasm
For the first time, Rachel learnt she could orgasm – something she’d thought impossible up to that point.
“I’d struggled with that for a lot of my adult life, even though I enjoyed sex,” she shares. “I thought something must be wrong with me, but not any more.”
Rachel also explored her fantasies of being with another woman and trying a threesome.
“I experienced a night of pure joy with another lady, exploring what pleasure and sex looks like between two women,” she confesses.
“That’s still one of the hottest nights of my life. I realised I’m definitely bisexual and always will be.”
Stepping outside comfort zones
Visits to a sex club and also attending swinger parties were daunting at first but offered a fun way to keep experimenting.
“After all of this, there’s nothing that makes me blush any more!” she laughs.
“I’m so comfortable talking about sex and pleasure with people.”
Seeing the wider issues
But while she was sharing snippets from her sexy new life with friends, Rachel realised the majority of them were having their own issues with intimacy.
“So many of them were still back where I’d been – feeling disconnected from themselves but too embarrassed to talk about it,” she explains.
“That was my lightbulb moment. I thought, ‘Someone needs to have these conversations. Why not me?’”
Training to make a difference
That started her journey to becoming a female pleasure coach. Realising there was no training she could do in New Zealand, she tracked down a US-based sexual health educator who supports medical professionals and therapists worldwide to better understand sexuality.
Rachel enthuses, “I’ve been blown away by how much I’ve learnt and the research out there. It’s been quite a revelation to know everything I experienced is actually normal. “But at the same time, with a little knowledge, I’ve come to realise that there are so many things you can do in terms of sexual desire and pleasure that can really change the game.”
Launching the passion project
Armed with knowledge and a fresh perspective, Rachel launched The Passion Project, offering one-on-one coaching to help women reignite their sexual spark. She’s especially noticed the relief when women learn there’s nothing wrong with how they’re feeling.
“That’s such an eye-opening thing for them,” tells Rachel.
“To come out the other side and be looking forward to embracing their sexuality is incredible. It’s a very powerful mindset for women.”
Changing the conversation for the next generation
What continues to drive her is believing Kiwi women owe it to younger generations to bring these conversations out into the open.
“It’s something we need to be able to pass on,” shares Rachel.
“We’ve come from a history of women’s sexuality being swept under the mat and undervalued. We should want to change that and help progress the next generation.”
