Photohgraphy: Robert Trathen
When Chloe Withrington applied to be a contestant on the new season of The Traitors NZ, she wasn’t chasing fame or fortune – she was searching for the version of herself she’d lost when the love of her life, rugby league player Tere Livingstone, was fatally injured during a match three years ago.
“I completely lost myself,” Chloe, 31, says.
“It felt weird when people called me Chloe because that’s just not who I felt like any more. Chloe was this bright, bubbly, amazing, fun human and I was this sack of sadness.”
Tere, 32, suffered a catastrophic head injury during a league game in June 2023. Initially, Chloe – a mum to their then-18-month-old son Nīkora – was told he was going to make it. But within 24 hours, the situation changed dramatically.
“What started as a small brain injury had, by the next day, progressed to the point where three-quarters of his brain had died,” she shares.
“We were in the hospital while he was in a coma on life support for days on end, waiting for him to take his last breath.”
The weight of grief
What followed was, says Chloe, a complete blur as she tried her best to navigate both her and Nīkora’s grief, and also deal with the processes of organ donation and settling Tere’s estate. The first year after his death is one Chloe can barely recall.
“It felt like an out-of-body experience,” she says.
“I was just trying to get through the day to day and I didn’t process the grief at all.”
After selling their Papamoa home and moving to the City of Sails for a fresh start, all of that suppressed grief came crashing down.
“Those first six months in Auckland absolutely wrecked me,” she recalls.
“I got really, really depressed. I quit my job because I had a mental breakdown.”
A difficult turning point
The release of the coroner’s report into Tere’s death, which landed just days before the two-year anniversary of his passing, made things worse. Chloe claims it contained incorrect information that painted an unfair picture of her partner.
It was during this dark period that she discovered hit TV series The Traitors, binge-watching four seasons in a week. When she saw a casting call for the third season of the Kiwi version, she decided it was the perfect opportunity for change.
“I figured by throwing myself into such a random situation, maybe I’d find myself again,” Chloe says.
“I didn’t know how I could laugh again. It felt wrong, like I was betraying Tere by being happy.”
A surprising kind of escape
Leaving her son for filming was incredibly tough, but the experience turned out to be exactly what she needed. While her fellow contestants lost sleep over strategy, Chloe was relishing full nights of uninterrupted sleep without a four-year-old kicking her in the face. And her days were blissfully distracting, with her brain only capable of focusing on the psychologically exhausting show.
Her relaxed attitude baffled the other players, she says.
“I was just like, ‘If I go home, I get to see my son and that’s amazing – and if I get to stay, then amazing. We’re so lucky to be here!’”
Chloe also made the choice to talk about Tere on the show.
“It was awkward having to bring it up with so many new people, but my biggest fear in life is for Tere to ever be forgotten,” she explains.
“I love that man and he’s such a massive part of my life.”
Life continues, differently
Nīkora still talks about Tere all the time and they have a “Daddy room” under the stairs, where the little boy goes to talk to his father. Hearing him cry for his dad at bedtime breaks Chloe’s heart every single time.
“It’s devastating,” she says.
But since the show, friends tell her they can see the old version of her coming back. Chloe’s in therapy, as is her son, and she’s back at work – but navigating grief is an ongoing battle.
“Sometimes I feel guilty because I don’t want to be too happy – my grief is my connection to Tere,” she says.
“And if I’m happy without him, what does that mean? But most of the time, it’s good. I’m happy to be looking ahead.”
Before Tere’s death, Chloe says she never would have had the courage to go on The Traitors, but losing him has changed how she sees the world.
“The worst thing that can happen has already happened to me,” she says simply.
“So yeah, why not?”
The Traitors NZ streams on ThreeNow, and screens on Three on Sundays and Mondays at 7.30pm.
