She’s one of this country’s most successful athletes, but women’s rugby legend Ruby Tui certainly wouldn’t recommend falling
in love with someone like her.
“I would never date a rugby player!” laughs the Black Fern and Sevens star, her arm draped around her girlfriend Dani Fennessy as they chat to Woman’s Day over a video call. “As a professional athlete, you have to be really selfish with your time, which is pretty difficult for the partners. We’re never home, but when we are, we’re always tired, always hungry and always busy dealing with our injuries.”
But former Mai FM host Dani can only smile as Ruby rattles off the downsides to dating her, telling us that despite all this, meeting the love of her life is one of the best things that has ever happened to her.
“Ruby is such an incredible human, that’s all there is to it,” says the radio star-turned podcast host. “She makes me feel invincible because she’s so driven and so passionate. Having that kind of person in your life makes you feel like anything is possible.”
The loved-up pair, both 30, have been together for three years, with their relationship surviving lockdowns, career changes and Ruby’s intense rugby lifestyle. And with her much-anticipated memoir Straight Up hitting shelves and the women’s Rugby
World Cup kicking off on 8 October, the couple are bracing themselves for their busiest few months yet.
It’s a try! Ruby scores for the Black Ferns.
“We hardly see each other at the moment,” says Ruby, whose book lifts the lid on her violent and chaotic childhood. “But Dani is the most amazing partner because she fully supports what I do, even though it means sacrificing so much. The past couple of years have been massive for me and she’s been an absolute superstar. It means more to me than I can explain. I’ll love this woman forever.”
While the couple had crossed paths several times over the years, it wasn’t until 2019 that they finally got together. Their romance started off slowly, but the first lockdown of 2020 was a crucial time for them, after they made the call to spend it together at Ruby’s Tauranga home.
“Lockdown was make or break for us,” tells Dani. “We’d been dating and suddenly had to decide whether to lock down together or not. We’re so happy we did because we had the best time. We spent heaps of time at the ocean, Rubes built a fence and painted a rugby field on the lawn. It was fun.”
Says Ruby, “We just got on so well from the start. I was like, ‘Man, this is so cool’ and honestly, Dani just gets cooler every single day.”
“We just got on so well from the start,” says Ruby.
And Dani has been a huge support to Ruby as she poured her heart and soul into Straight Up, the memoir that details not only her remarkable sporting journey, but her traumatic upbringing. Born in 1991 to a Pākehā mum and Samoan dad, Ruby grew up in Wellington until her parents split and she moved to the South Island with her mother and new partner, who was abusive. The following years were tumultuous as the violence intensified, with Ruby left to take care of her little brother and manage the fallout of the dysfunctional environment.
Ruby’s time spent with her dad, an alcoholic, was equally difficult. She writes about trying methamphetamine at age 10, going along on drug deals with her dad and the trauma of witnessing a young woman die of an overdose.
“That was a really horrible thing. I was only a kid but I remember me and dad trying to save her, but it was too late.”
In one of the most heart-breaking chapters, Ruby tells how she attempted to take her own life at 11.
“People talk about going through their hardest times in life and usually it’s in adulthood. But for me, it was when I was nine, 10, and 11 years old. Those years were really bad for me that it got to the point I didn’t want to be around any more. I couldn’t see a way out.”
But somehow, Ruby’s fighting spirit shone bright and when her mother enlisted the help of women’s refuge to flee her partner when her daughter was 13, life began to turn around. Ruby channelled her energy into sport and she eventually went to Canterbury University, where she was introduced to women’s rugby, the sport that made her a star.
“I would never date a rugby player,” says Ruby. Lucky for her, Dani doesn’t agree.
Says Ruby, “I’m so nervous about people reading my book. I’ve obviously shared my stories with my close people, my friends and my family, but sharing it with the whole world… Oh, man, that’s a whole other thing. Most of all, I hope it shows kids their lives can change, they’re not going to be stuck in violence or drugs, or whatever it is forever.”
She was nervous about her parents’ reactions too, but Ruby tells us they’ve been hugely supportive. While there was much that was difficult growing up, Ruby also writes about the love of her parents and the joy of experiencing two cultures.
“Mum and Dad have both been like, ‘Whoa!’ because they didn’t know all this stuff that went down,” says Ruby. “Dad didn’t know how bad it was at Mum’s house, and Mum had no idea what I was doing with Dad. But Mum loved the book because it showed her how much of a hero she is to me. The fact she managed to escape domestic violence, to get us out of that situation that many women are never able to get out of, still blows my mind.”
Ruby tells us she learned a huge amount from her upbringing, particularly when it comes to creating a healthy and loving relationship with Dani. She’s determined not to repeat the mistakes she saw growing up.
“One hundred percent, I knew early on I would never be in a relationship that’s horrible, where everyone is upset and miserable,” she says. And Dani is immensely proud of Ruby, who makes her laugh every day. “We’ve both got that island humour,” says Dani, whose background is Cook Islands.
“We’re always trying to see who’s punnier,” says Ruby.
“I’m definitely punnier,” insists Dani.
Where Dani is organised, Ruby is more “kick back”. Dani is more emotional too, but she says Ruby has taught her so much about looking after her own mental health and prioritising self-care.
“She is so health-focused and strong. She introduced me to meditation and that’s been amazing.”
The devoted couple say they’d love to have a baby. Watch this space!
They’re both romantic, but while Dani favours small gestures, Ruby is the extravagant one.
Dani explains, “Rubes shows her romance with, like, a trip to Queenstown and helicopter rides and all that. I like to show my romantic side by doing little things to show I care. If she’s had a hard day, I’ll run her a bath and cook her dinner.”
With the Rugby World Cup about to start, Ruby is in the thick of training. To be part of the Black Ferns for a World Cup on home soil could not be more meaningful, she says.
“We’re all just buzzing out as rugby players because to have this happening at home is such a huge opportunity. If there was ever a time to give it a good crack, it’s now.”
And there’s no doubt Dani will be in the front-row seats, cheering on the woman she loves.
While Ruby hasn’t made any decisions around her rugby future beyond the World Cup, it’s motherhood that the couple are focusing on next. They’d love nothing more than to have a baby together.
Says Dani, “Ruby’s an amazing partner and I know she’ll be an amazing mum. It’s incredible being in a relationship where there’s 100% trust and great communication. She’s my best friend and I feel very lucky to have her by my side.”
Straight Up by Ruby Tui, (Allen & Unwin NZ, $36.99).
