Dear Diane,
My 12-year-old seems to be permanently sulky about one thing or another – especially if I ask him to do something simple such as emptying the dishwasher or setting the table. You’d think I’d asked him to do a week’s work in the mines, rather than a five-minute job. The thing that annoys me most is that he always lines up for pocket money at the end of the week and seems to feel this is something he’s entitled to, rather than something to be earned.
I find myself giving him the same lecture each time, about how being a member of the family means looking out for and helping each other. Then I launch into the “Don’t you realise how hard Dad and I work so you can have all these wonderful possessions, activities and so on?” bit, but by the time I’ve finished he’s obviously zoned out completely. I’m constantly frustrated – help!
Amy, via email.
Dear Amy,
You have fallen into a trap that most of us fall into sooner or later. We believe that, if only we give our child the right explanation, they will see reason and become helpful. We need to ask ourselves, “How many times have I given that speech?” (“You’re certainly fast enough to line up for pocket money/ Your Dad works really hard/It is only a five minute job/You are old enough to begin pulling your weight”) If there are tasks to be done, go to your child and tell him the one task you want done next.
Be clear that you will not be doing anything for your child in the way of providing goods or services (the GST approach) until that task is done – and stick to this. Meet any request for goods or services with the response, “Certainly, dear. As soon as you have done the task I asked for, I will be happy to do that for you.” And tough it out. If you do this with each task, your son will soon get the message that, once you have asked him to do something, nothing will happen in the way of goods or services till it has been done. Repeat as often as necessary.
Diane Levy provides expert answers to your parenting queries. Send your questions to: [email protected] Diane’s parenting books are available in book shops.
