Dear Diane,
My daughter, who is 11, has an unusual name and hates it. She always has to spell it out for people and no-one can pronounce it correctly. I feel this is all my fault because I was very young when I had her, and felt it was “cool” to give her a first name that would make her stand out. It turns out she does, but in the wrong way!
Anyway, the situation now is that she wants to use her middle name. The trouble is, that name is also the name of my ex-partner’s mother. A woman I would now cross the street – in fact, cross an ocean – to avoid. I just don’t know if I can face hearing and seeing her name every day. Should I say this to my daughter, or not?
Lisa, by email
Dear Lisa,
Congratulations on being flexible enough to allow your daughter to have her feelings about her name, and to consider helping her change it. That is the first big hurdle to overcome. Go over all the documents, places and people involved in notifying a change of her name and check that, in the face of the reality, she is prepared to go through all the necessary fuss. It seems to me that you are currently limited to only two alternatives – veto the middle name or put your feelings about it aside. It would be good to look at several alternatives together.
A few that occur to me are: altering the spelling of her name so it is spelled exactly the way it sounds; picking a conventional name that is close to her given name and that everyone can easily spell; keeping her initials but choosing one or both different names; choosing another name or names altogether. I am sure that, between the two of you, you can come up with more alternatives. Once you have a list of options, go over the pros and cons of each choice, including your reservations about her middle name. Working together on the problem could well be an opportunity for closeness and co-operation.
*Diane Levy provides expert answers to your parenting queries. Send your questions
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