Dear Diane,
My nine-year-old son has had the same best friend since the first year of primary school and they are pretty much inseparable. His mate is usually a nice kid but he recently had a meltdown because he didn’t get selected for his school’s representative soccer team, while my son did. As a result this boy has now pulled out of all soccer-related activities and seems to be taking it out on my boy, refusing to play with him.
This has really upset my son and it’s got to the stage where he has missed a couple of soccer practices himself and has said he doesn’t really want to play any more. I’ve talked to him about this and told him he shouldn’t give it up just because of his friend but the message doesn’t seem to be sinking in. In a way I think it is nice that he cares so much about this friendship that he would give up his place in the team, but that would be a big mistake as far as I’m concerned. How do I get him to understand that his friend just needs to get over it?
Sandy, by email
Dear Sandy,
Your son is in agony because his best friend, of a very long time, has rejected him through no fault of his own. Not surprisingly, he is hurt and bewildered. His nine-year-old logic is telling him that he might be able to regain the friendship if he abandons soccer and, while it is not a good solution, you should be proud of his caring so much that he would be willing to forgo his place in the team.
The best way to help your son deal with rejection by his best friend is to start by supporting his feelings rather than try advice or logic. Phrases like, “It must be so hard for your friend to miss out on the team when you got in; it’s awful for you that your friend won’t play with you; his hurt seems to be going on and on,” will all help your son to feel that you are on his side and also understand his dear friend’s position.
You may find yourself having to listen to your son’s woes on a daily basis for a while. But once he feels fully heard, he will be able to look at problem-solving. A good start would be to organise some fun, non-soccer outing and invite his friend to join him.
