Dear Diane,
My daughter has made a new friend and while this girl is great on her own, as soon as she sees her two sisters they argue non-stop. The attitude is rubbing off on my daughter already – and as she is a tween, the last thing I need is for her to learn how to be more argumentative than she is already! What can I do? I don’t want to spoil the friendship but I feel that I do need to sort this out.
Beth, by email
Dear Beth,
As our tweens grow up, one of their main tasks is to individuate away from their parents and to become their own person. Of course, we would like our tweens to hang on to all the values and virtues that they have already picked up from their family and most of these will “stick” –provided that we do not alienate our children. Part of our tweens’ learning involves moving closer to their peer group and testing for themselves how they feel about the difference in values between peers and home. One thing that will quickly alienate our tweens from their parents is any perceived criticism of their friends. So, if we wish to have some influence, then we need to bring up topics with caution and with respect. Rather than using criticism, we will get further with gentle, supportive enquiry. Don’t begin with “It is just awful the way your friend argues with her sisters.” That line is guaranteed to be a conversation stopper. Instead, try something like: “How is it for you when your friend and her sisters argue?” You may get a non-committal shrug or you may get as far as “It’s awful to be around!” Either way, you have done nothing to damage your relationship with your daughter and you have shown her that your concern is about her.
Diane Levy provides expert answers to your parenting queries. Send your questions to: [[email protected]](mailto: [email protected]). Diane’s parenting books are available in book shops.
