12 things you never thought you’d do when you became a parent

When 'gross' and 'humiliating' come to take on the same meaning as 'necessary'.

Before you have children, it’s easy to kid yourself into thinking that you won’t be one of ‘those’ mums. You know, the ones who turn their child upside down to sniff their bum, or stays at the supermarket even after their child starts screaming.

Well, we’re sorry but just you wait. So, now that we’ve got that out the way, here are 12 previously unthinkable things you’ll do before your child turns two…

1. Wear enormous pants

Nobody wants to wear underwear that is clearly a lot larger than their husband’s, but when your mid-section has expanded enough to accommodate a baby then deflated again, extra fabric is needed.

2. Sniff a baby’s bottom in public

This is gross. Everyone knows it’s gross. However, when you’ve got a teeny-tiny baby wrapped up in a nappy, vest and babygrow, the only other way to check the nappy situation is to unwrap the layers like you’re playing a solo game of pass-the-parcel that you don’t want to win.

3. Eat three slices of cake in one day

Combine sleep deprivation with breastfeeding, trying to get babies to sleep and doing pretty much everything one-handed, and you quickly lose track on the cake count front – a three-slice day is nothing, really.

4. Post babyspam

Parents are criticised for posting a constant stream of pictures of their children on social media, but once you realise that your ‘babyspam’ pics are more popular than anything you’ve ever posted before, it becomes clear that people who don’t love a snap of a gummy grinning baby or cute toddler are in the grumbling minority.

5. Cut up food with your teeth

When you’re trying to eat your own food while holding and feeding a wriggling baby and/or toddler in a restaurant, and said restaurant only serves scalding hot food apparently specifically designed to choke small children, teeth become cutlery, no matter how revolting it looks!

6. Wipe snot with your sleeve – or worse

Sometimes there are just not enough tissues in the world. When faced with being ‘that woman with the snot-faced kid’ or sacrificing a sleeve, the sleeve’s gonna get it.

Shall we mention the truly unthinkable? Okay, yes we will. When your tiny baby has a cold and is so blocked up and miserable you worry whether they can even breathe, yes you will put your mouth over their tiny nose and suck their snot out – or you’ll make your partner do it, at the very least.

7. Drag an unwilling child around a supermarket

‘Why do people bring their screaming kids to the shops?’, the child-free ask. Usually, it’s because we’ve run out of food – and don’t have another adult on hand to leave our unwilling supermarket companions with. Get it now?

8. Have a staycation

Why do we make like home is the best place to go on holiday? Because it literally is, compared to getting on an aeroplane with small children and all their associated stuff, then trying to keep them out of the sun and away from the unfenced swimming areas, share a bedroom with them, find food they’ll actually eat and locate a doctor to deal with the inevitable illness they will develop.

9. Drink at ‘teatime’

Really it comes down to the fact that 5pm feels like 9pm. By the time those that don’t have children are opening a delicious bottle of something, parents are already snoring in bed.

10. Sing in public

‘Look at that woman singing nursery rhymes in the middle of the street, she’s lost her marbles,’ passers-by no doubt think. What they don’t know is that singing in the street, dancing in the newsagent and jumping in puddles are reason enough to have at least one baby.

11. Cry at… everything

TV ads. Old people holding hands in the street. Sad films, happy films, films about families. Marriage proposals. Weddings. Videos of animals cuddling. Videos of children cuddling animals. You’re going to need a tissue… sorry, sleeve.

12. Enjoy kids’ TV

No adult wants to think of themselves as someone who’d make their child late for nursery waiting to see if Daddy Pig manages to track down Mr Dinosaur for Peppa Pig, or would rather watch Sarah & Duck than The Simpsons. Doesn’t mean it isn’t going to happen though.

Via Closer

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