When doting Auckland parents Graham and Mery Brooke-Smith fell in love 15 years ago, and started discussing a future with marriage and kids, they never anticipated their plans would include creating goodbye videos for their young children.
But in January this year, after complaints of a sore lower back, civil engineer Graham was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, which has spread to his spine. Tragically, just five months later, businesswoman Mery learnt she also had the same killer cancer.
“It’s weird we were diagnosed with very similar lung cancer when neither of us smoke” says Graham, 50, talking to the Weekly from his Auckland home while his wife, 52, is in hospital. “The oncologist said it probably started at the same time, but Mery’s didn’t reveal itself until five months after mine.
“There are so many variables that could have caused it and it’s all a bit of a guess, so they say they’re sorry, they can’t help us in that regard, but they can do the best to extend our lives.”
Marcos (left) and Daniel keep their parents’ spirits up.
With treatment, the couple have each been given around four and a half years to live, compared to just six months without it. But the cost isn’t cheap. Every month, Graham’s immunotherapy is $11,000, while every three weeks Mery’s costs $10,000. On top of worrying about money, Graham’s had to cut back to part-time work to manage his energy levels and care for their sons.
“There’s a lot on my plate, but you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do, and what Mery’s going through is much more difficult than me,” says the dad of Marcos, 11, and Daniel, nine.
“She’s very tired because of the pain and so she’s handed everything to me. I’m reasonably okay and taking morphine twice a day, so that helps the pain in my left hip and lower spine a lot.”
The most important thing for Graham right now is letting his wife rest, while maintaining a constant routine for their boys, who he describes as best mates but complete opposites.
Marcos is an extrovert who likes to try new things, with a passion for football and playing the harp. Like his big brother, Daniel is into football and is a huge fan of Cristiano Ronaldo, although he’s quieter and plays the piano. While their parents have told them the facts about their cancer, they instead focus on the present.
“We don’t want to put too much on their shoulders because they’re so young,” explains Graham. “The gravity is a bit over their heads and we don’t want them to get too distressed about it.
“Mery and I have had the conversation about when we die and the adoption of our children, which isn’t something parents normally have. It has been an emotional rollercoaster.”
The pair met in their 30s. Mery had been in New Zealand five years after immigrating from Colombia, where she’d been an assistant bank manager.
When she arrived here, she couldn’t speak a word of English, but within three years was fluent. The bubbly “people-person” became part-owner of a salsa dancing school, taught Spanish language classes and met Graham at a church fundraising event.
Mery’s now an education agent for Latin American students wanting to come to Aotearoa to learn English, lining them up with the best rates and schools to fit their requirements. She also helps post-graduate clients avoid the same pitfalls she encountered when she first arrived in New Zealand.
“She’s got her own staff and opened an office in Colombia, which is exciting,” enthuses Graham, who proposed to Mery by candlelight at a park in Auckland’s St Heliers after nine months of dating. “Mery’s quite an independent woman and a go-getter. You meet her and love her to pieces in the first minute.
Sons and sunnies: The devoted mum cherishes family time.
“We have a lot of people visiting her from our church – I’m talking a hundred or more – and praying and sending flowers or giving meals. She builds these connections just by being herself and people are drawn to her.”
When Mery went to see her GP in May with the same lower back pain her husband had, they believed it had to be a coincidence.
“But the GP called after the results came in and told Mery to come in with me straight away. Then we were told she also had terminal lung cancer that’s spread to her spine, like me,” he tells.
“The GP was almost crying and couldn’t believe it. He knew we had two young children and that us having it at the same time was tragic.”
Surgery isn’t an option for the pair because it could make the spreading worse. Unfortunately, with the lateness of Mery’s diagnosis, she went untreated for months longer than Graham, resulting in her cancer becoming more aggressive. It had also spread to her thigh and left femur, which required surgery and having a rod inserted.
“Mery’s diagnosis was rather traumatic because we’re doubling down on the costs within a few months of each other,” Graham says. “When I was diagnosed, I was quite stoic about it because I knew the boys would still have their mother. I was pragmatic and thought well, there are some people who die early, and we planned the finances for when I was gone. Then we had no plan B any more, so we didn’t know where to turn.”
Mery’s oncologist recently found a shadow on her right hip, which turned out to be another tumour. Radiation has been used to limit its progression as much as possible and they’re hoping chemotherapy will remove the rest.
“She’s a very strong woman, but all this pain is very debilitating, especially at her levels and for such a long time. Plus, it is hard being away from her children while she is in and out of hospital,” says Graham, whose visits were impacted by Covid.
“Anything that’s the latest technology in terms of treatment for lung cancer, which can save people’s lives, Pharmac doesn’t seem to want to fund for some reason. It’s very frustrating, to put it in polite terms.”
But throughout their challenges, the family has been inundated with support from family, friends and their community. Lawyers in the building where Graham works donated their time to help the pair prepare a will and family trust for their two boys. A Givealittle page was also set up to help cover their medical costs. It has so far raised more than $320,000.
“You go to the Givealittle page, and you see the comments people have made and the donations, and the heart behind it is phenomenal,” Graham smiles. “All the money from it is set aside just for our medical bills.”
Thanks to an offer through the page, the family of four is spending a weekend at a bach on Auckland’s Waiheke Island later this month, which they’re excitedly anticipating.
Going out and making memories together is the most important thing for the couple right now. They even have big dreams like taking the boys on an overseas safari.
Bring on the adventures! “It’s about squeezing in as much fun as possible,” says Graham.
“Yesterday, I went with the boys to a rifle range to give them some excitement and something a city boy would never see,” Graham shares. “It’s about having experiences together and building memories, and squeezing in as much fun as possible in however many years we have left.”
To Graham and Mery’s relief, they know where their sons will go when they eventually pass one day. Thanks to Mery’s long-term friend Kirsty Steel, who she met shortly after she arrived in NZ, Marcos and Daniel will always have a home.
“Kirsty and her husband Glen have volunteered to adopt our children, which is huge. They’re amazing people and will raise them very similarly to how we would, and we trust them implicitly,” Graham enthuses. “With two young children of their own, aged two and five, it’s a huge undertaking and we’re very grateful. Otherwise, we’d be looking at foster care or going to the state and that’d be tragic for us.”
Now, Graham plans to start creating videos with words of advice for his boys to watch when he’s gone.
He wants to teach them about the beauty of embracing other cultures and what it means to be a Colombian New Zealander.
The loving dad will also speak in detail about topics close to his heart, including generosity, valuing people and the choice to be happy or unhappy in life.
“I want to tell them to choose happiness and to face difficulties without running away. I want to tell them to be courageous and to be a good man,” he says, dabbing away tears.
“I can only be pleased knowing they’ll be good men and while I may not be there for their future, I’ll try to give them as much wisdom as possible. That’ll be the legacy I leave and I can’t be unhappy about that.”
Graham insists he’s not disheartened by what could have been. Instead, he’s focused on being grateful for what has been and what’s in front of him now.
“We’re on this Earth for whatever time God blesses us with and for some people that’s shorter than what I’ve had, or it’s longer,” Graham smiles.
“I have a loving wife and two beautiful kids who are healthy, strong and happy. What more could I have wished for?”
To make a donation towards Graham and Mery’s medical costs, visit givealittle.co.nz/cause/brook-smith-family
