After a decade of methamphetamine addiction, homeless-ness and arrests for gang-related robberies, Hayley Schofer finally gave up drugs at age 28.
Detoxing after daily drug usage was a difficult feat for the Wellington makeup artist, however, what came next was even harder. After a lifetime of self-hatred and keeping secrets, Hayley lost family and friends when she finally came out as transgender in 2019. But she also found herself.
“I was around six when I realised something wasn’t quite right because I wanted to wear my sister’s things, including her ballet shoes, but I didn’t want anyone knowing, so I hid it,” tells Hayley, 35, who grew up in Hawke’s Bay. “I felt enclosed in my mind and trapped. I was quite shy.”
By age six, Hayley wanted to be a girl.
Hayley, whose given name was Hayden, played rugby as a kid, excelled at running and had plenty of male friends. But by intermediate, she realised she wasn’t attracted to the opposite sex.
“I hated myself and the fact I wasn’t attracted to women,” admits Hayley. “I didn’t tell anyone I wanted to be a woman. It was my biggest secret. I masked that self-hatred with drugs because they took me out of my reality.”
Hayley’s path to addiction started at 12, when she was suspended for smoking marijuana at intermediate. Attempting to fit in with the boys, Hayley had girlfriends but admits the relationships were never romantic.
By 17, Hayley was doing methamphetamine and recalls the first time she tried it with a workmate after coming home from working in shearing sheds in the South Island.
“It was all downhill from there,” shares Hayley, who became a mum to daughter Kassidy when she was 22. “Meth is the worst thing anyone can do. It tore my whole life apart and I lost everything, including myself.
“I ended up doing it every day and didn’t care about anything. I was hanging out with gangs, trying to be portrayed as a cool male when I wasn’t. I stayed on meth for just over 10 years.”
When Hayley couldn’t hold down work any more, she resorted to selling drugs, living with dealers and committing burglaries. She spent multiple evenings in police holding cells and slept in her car, before finding herself on the streets.
“I was a nobody and just existing in this world with nothing. It was horrible. I lost a lot of weight because I wasn’t eating and sleeping, and I lost my front tooth, but I have an implant now. I also got a lot of my tattoos when I was on meth. I didn’t like the way I looked in the mirror anyway and didn’t really care.”
Getting her kicks in healthier ways.
But even on drugs, when no one was around, Hayley would put on makeup while watching YouTube tutorials and then cry.
After almost a decade of harming her body with drugs, it started to shut down. Hayley couldn’t get out of bed because she had such low energy and a hospital visit found the drug abuse had caused liver damage. If Hayley didn’t give up meth and start eating healthily, she wasn’t going to survive much longer.
“That was my lowest point, but it’s also when I gave up,” shares Hayley, who was 28. “After so many years, my body said, ‘You can’t do this any more because there’s nothing left in the tank’. My liver is better now, but I still feel like I’m getting over it.”
For two years, as she detoxed, Hayley couldn’t think straight, and suffered daily anxiety, depression and panic attacks. But she moved in with family and when she was able to pass a court-ordered drug test, Hayley was granted full custody of her daughter. Despite the stability of parenting and a painting job, Hayley was still miserable.
“I was really depressed and made the decision that I was either going to commit suicide or come out as transgender. I didn’t want to exist any more it was that bad. All I could think about was my daughter and if I killed myself, what was I showing her? She’d be heartbroken and I didn’t want her to go down the path I’ve been down. I wanted to have that strength to carry on.”
As dad to daughter Kassidy.
In August 2019, Hayley finally came out as transgender. She first told a cousin, who congratulated and supported her. “When I told my daughter, she didn’t even care and was happy we could share makeup!” Hayley smiles.
“But other family members turned their backs on me and I lost all my friends, so it was the hardest thing ever.”
After moving from Hawke’s Bay to Wellington, Hayley slowly found her unique style, which included getting facial tattoos that express her love for fashion and beauty. She has also completed a two-year makeup course and worked at the World of Wearable Art show.
“I’ve done makeup for other fashion shows too and I’m hoping to get into Fashion Week,” enthuses Hayley, who works with a supportive team at a shoe shop in the capital. “I’ve never been this amazing in my life and every day just keeps getting better. I got MVP at my job last year out of most of the North Island, so I’m smashing every goal I create.”
While she doesn’t have a partner as she still struggles with stigma attached to being trans, Hayley is sure someone special will come along. She also hopes her story will inspire others, including her daughter, who still lives in Hawke’s Bay.
“Finally, I can be me now and I don’t have to worry about what anyone else thinks,” Hayley declares. “I’m happy and I’m free now.”
If you’re struggling with your mental health, call or text 1737. For the Alcohol and Drug Helpline, dial 0800 787 797. For help with gender or sexuality issues, phone 0800 OUTLINE or visit outline.org.nz.
