Dear Wendyl,
I’m in my second marriage but have no children of my own. I do have a stepdaughter who’s 18, however, and she has been in my life since I married her mother five years ago. I’ve tried really hard to like her, but she’s a spoilt little princess and nothing I say to her mother about it changes anything. So I just try to focus on my marriage, which is good, and try to keep out of the way of the daughter.
Recently, however, I’ve noticed large amounts of cash being withdrawn from the bank account I keep with my wife, and when I asked her about it she said her daughter needed some financial help. This annoyed me, as I’m the primary earner and I really think I should have been consulted. I might have agreed to one withdrawal but not 10, which is where we’re at now. I’m now considering separating our accounts. What do you recommend I do?
Bruce, by email
Dear Bruce,
Whether you like it or not, your stepdaughter is part and parcel of your life and I think you need to work a bit harder to accept her. She’s not going to go away and your wife will always be her mother. In all families some people don’t like each other, but they work on a compromise for the sake of the family unit. Putting that aside, taking money out of a joint account without any consultation is not on.
So first, address this problem by asking your wife not to do it, explain your reasons (without being rude about her daughter, just pointing out that joint funds should be spent together, not by one person) and give her a chance to explain her actions. It may be that her daughter is planning on paying you back. If the money keeps disappearing, I think you should consider giving your wife an allowance if she doesn’t work. If she decides she wants to spend that money on her daughter then that’s her decision.
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