The end of your relationship need not mean the end of your family There are no rule books for breaking up a relationship when there are children involved. Parenting children when you are separated is a relatively new trend and there have been few studies to tell us what to do.
Traditionally, many men opt for the “every second weekend” approach, but a new study by the Families Commission says that children are better off seeing both parents a lot or barely seeing one at all. Seeing one parent every second weekend makes children more distressed because two days is not long enough to re-establish ties and bonds. Here are some tips (from one who knows) about how to sort your break-up so the kids don’t suffer.
I don’t care whose fault it was or why you broke up, and neither do your children. So put that aside to deal with later and put your children first. Your partner may be the most evil person in the world, but they are still your child’s parent. So ask yourself what you would want if you were your child.
If you can’t stand the sight of each other, try using email or text as an initial step for communication and meet on neutral territory when you have to.
Aim for shared care and work back from there. Your children should be able to maintain a relationship with both of you, and equal time is ideal. This doesn’t mean week on, week off. It could mean Monday to Thursday, then Thursday to Sunday but talk to each other about what works best. And keep in mind that it should cause as little disruption to your children as possible.
When one of you moves out, consider moving close. Your children will find it much easier – and so will you – with transport and deciding what schools to send them to. Also, having Dad or Mum just down the road means they can pop in if they just feel like they need to see one of you.
If your children are old enough, ask what they would like. Is there a particular night of the week they want to be with Dad? Talk to them about what they can expect at the other house and how it will all work. But do not ask them to make decisions or you will essentially be asking them to choose between their parents and that’s not fair. The important thing is that this works for both parents, so it’s up to you to make the final decision.
of course there will be disagreements. You’ve just broken up because you don’t get on very well, so by all means have times when you argue with each other about love and relationships. But make a separate time, and stick to it, where you are just talking about the kids and start with the premise that you will both put the kids first, without bringing other issues into the conversation. on both occasions, meet away from the kids. And don’t do it over the phone where they can hear.
No child deserves to hear that their parent is a bad person. So don’t make them. Children love both their parents unreservedly and unconditionally so don’t try to get them to take sides. Respect their relationships with their other parent.
Some dads might say they don’t have time to care for their children half the time. They do. It’s 2008 and there are things called nannies and after-school care. Encourage him to take half the responsibility and tell him how important he is for his child’s development. For further reading get He’ll be okay: Growing Gorgeous Boys into Good Men by Celia Lashlie.
Some mums may think it isn’t a dad’s place to have the kids half the time. It’s 2008 (see above). once breast-feeding is over, no mother has a monopoly on parenting over a father. Share, and help your child get the best of both parents.
Sort out the money and stick to it. If it’s equal-share care, then it’s easy. Just pay half of the extras like school fees, doctor’s visits and clothing. If not, make sure it is fair to each other, write it down and get a lawyer to witness it as your agreement.
Plan for what might go wrong. What happens if one of you doesn’t pull their weight, or if one of you wants a holiday that means the other spends more time looking after the kids? Agree on the answers and make plans.
For help planning it all out, visit www.justice.govt.nz/family and hit the “Parenting through Separation” button to download a great booklet. Also, think about enrolling in one of their courses.
Don’t forget to have fun with your kids and make them feel loved. A relationship break-up is incredibly hard, but your children aren’t breaking up and they need you to be as stable and reliable as you can.
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