Out of harm’s way

Dear Wendyl

After Christmas last year I finally got the courage to leave my abusive partner. There was an incident where he lost his temper for what felt like the millionth time and started throwing furniture around the room and threatening me and our baby daughter. I walked out of the house and, with the support of friends and family (including his parents), I’ve managed to stay safe and things are starting to look a bit better. My problem is that I still have strong feelings for him – we were together for three years, and every time I see him I want to be with him. He can tell, and the other night while I was at a friend’s house, he turned up and we had a talk. He promised to change his ways if I go back to him, and I don’t know what to do. I think I would be letting down all those people who worked so hard for me if I do, but part of me still really loves him. Please help.

Abused But Lonely, by email

Dear Abused But Lonely

I can tell you right now, he won’t change. His behaviour is set and you know that deep down because he’s been behaving this way for a long time. When you love someone it’s hard to stand up to them and remain firm when they come back to you and present themselves in their likeable state. You will get through this, because every time he smiles and whispers sweet nothings in your ear, I want you to remember how you felt that night you left him. Remember the fear, the panic and the determination. And then think about your baby and whether you want her to grow up in that environment. Give yourself six months on your own and it will look a lot different. You may even meet someone who makes you feel good about yourself and gives you the love and support you and your daughter deserve. Try to get some counselling and support from experts. Start by visiting www.areyouok.org.nz