You’re enjoying a romantic candlelit dinner with your new man when your cellphone rings.
It’s the babysitter, ringing to say your toddler has thrown up everywhere and perhaps you should come home.
Or you and your potential Mr Right are getting up close and personal on the couch, only for your teenager to barge into the room and cry, “Ugh, gross!”
Dating is tough at the best of times, but when you factor children into the equation, it can be even trickier.
Not only can being a parent create extra challenges when you’re getting to know someone, but it’s crucial to consider the effect that starting a relationship can have on your children.
Even if they’ve adjusted well to the fact their parents are no longer together, seeing you with someone new is bound to shake them up. Here’s how to make things easy for everyone.
Take it slowly
If you’re just starting to see someone new, don’t rush. Although you may feel ready for romance, it’s wise to take things slowly and give everyone time to get used to the new circumstances, especially if this is your first relationship after a long marriage.
It’s particularly important to take your time if it’s not that long since you split up from your partner. You’re still likely to be feeling vulnerable and so are your children. According to some experts, it can take around one year to recover for every four to five years of marriage.
First impressions
Just because you’re so smitten you want to see this new person all day, every day, it doesn’t mean your kids are going to feel the same way. In fact they may not cope well with seeing their mum swooning over some guy who isn’t their dad.
Keep your feelings to yourself to start with at least, and don’t be in any hurry to introduce your new man to your children. Arrange to see him when the kids are spending time with your ex or get someone to mind them while you go out.
If the relationship is looking promising, you may want to slowly start dropping details about him into conversation. Highlight his good points and why you enjoy spending time with him but don’t make him out to be a superhero. Otherwise they’ll be disappointed when they do get to meet.
Play it cool
Once things start to get a little more serious, introduce your new love interest to children as your friend. If you suspect there could be some hostilities (especially from older children) do this on neutral territory, rather than at your home or his, and try to make it a fun-filled occasion. You could also try to do it in a place where you know they’ll feel comfortable. This may help everyone to feel more relaxed.
Careful honesty
If your kids ask if this man is your new boyfriend, be honest. They don’t need all the details, but they need to know if this person is going to be part of their lives.
You may need to stress to younger children that this person isn’t replacing their father in any way. Make sure they feel comfortable asking questions, and ensure the information you give them is age-appropriate.
Touchy subject
Being overly affectionate with your new man in front of the kids is not a good idea. Watching the two of you being all lovey-dovey – particularly if they’re struggling with seeing you with someone other than their dad – is going to rub salt in the wound. Save your affection for when you’re in private, at least while you’re still in the early days.
Spread the love
Don’t forget that this is all quite new and unsettling for your kids. They may be afraid that they’re losing you to this other person and younger ones in particular may worry you won’t love them as much now you’ve got a new bloke. Reassure them you will always love them.
Also bear in mind that many children cling to a secret hope that their parents may get back together, and seeing you with someone else will be crushing that dream.
Plus they may feel they can’t be nice to your new man as that would make them disloyal to their dad. Explain that this isn’t the case and, if necessary (if you’re on good terms), get their dad to talk to them about how he’ll always be their dad, no matter who comes into your life.
Keep your traditions
Your childrens’ lives have already been disrupted by your divorce, so don’t make the situation worse by acting as if you’d rather be with your new man than them.
Try to have plenty of time with them when your new partner isn’t around and make an effort to maintain your family traditions, such as takeaways on Friday nights or going for bike rides in the park on weekends.
Family time
Though your new partner can become a part of your family, ensure you spend time alone with your kids so they don’t feel threatened.
