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Ask the expert: Supporting your partner through death of a parent

In our new exclusive online series, we team up with relationship counsellors, Relate, to bring readers the expert answers to their relationship queries.
Helping a partner through grief

Helping a partner through grief

Helping a partner through grief

My partner recently lost his father suddenly, and I had to support him through this, but I don’t feel like I did the best job. How do you support a partner when they experience this kind of loss?

Relate’s Deirdre Tollestrup says:

Death of a parent is a sad part of life most of us will go through, though knowing how to get through it isn’t always ‘second nature’. Supporting your partner through this loss might be your first up close experience of bereavement, but even if you’ve been through it before, there’ll be things to learn from weathering this storm together.

A new era has begun for your partner (and you) of life without this parent, and things won’t ever be quite the same again. Grief is the slow, painful process of adjusting to that reality; you must respect that your partner will go through it in their own unique way and pace. It helps to understand that grief can be an exhausting, consuming process, physically and emotionally. It’s likely your partner will have very little energy to give for a while, so don’t expect much back and be prepared to get support for yourself from friends or others.

It’s an important time, and you have an opportunity here to show your love in very tangible ways. Practically speaking, take care of as much as possible for your partner, whether its help with funeral planning (a very stressful time with lots to decide and organise) or the small, ordinary stuff that still has to be done – phone calls, groceries, laundry, keeping the kids occupied – your picking up and carrying on with the work of normal life will help take pressure off.

Let go of the idea that there’s a ‘right thing’ to say or do, and relax with just being yourself and being there for your partner however they need. If you don’t know what they want, ask them, and don’t be offended if they want time alone- they’ll need that, and probably lots of talking, crying, and just being quiet too. It’s all part of healing.

Be available to listen, often. It takes time to share memories, feelings, regrets… Nothing you say can ‘fix it’ for them, but being understood and accepted helps, along with freedom to be sad, angry, or whatever else comes up, without pressure to ‘cheer up’ or ‘get over it.’ If your partner knows you’re the one person they can be honest with and not have to put on a brave face for, you’re not helping them now, but deepening trust and love in your relationship for the long term.

Relate’s Deirdre Tollestrup

If you’d like to submit a question to Relate for this series, email us on [email protected]. Your details can be kept anonymous.

Relate Counselling is a specialist relationship counselling service, passionate about helping Kiwi’s build fantastic relationships. We offer couples and individuals relationship therapy and coaching, plus training in Integrated Relationship Therapy for professionals. Find free resources including the Relationship Health Questionnaire on their site here.

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