Emily Chalk.
When comedian and actor Pax Assadi first laid eyes on his wife Sholeh Ashraf in Dunedin, it definitely wasn’t love at first sight.
“I was helping with a youth programme for 12 to 13-year-olds as part of our shared Baha’i faith,” the Settling and 7 Days star tells Woman’s Day. “I was running the camp with Sholeh’s younger sister Sasha and was catching the bus to Christchurch the next day, so I stayed the night at Sasha and Sholeh’s house. But Sholeh didn’t know. When she came downstairs at breakfast, she looked so annoyed to see people in her house!”
Smiling at the memory, Sholeh, 41, recalls, “I was 24, Pax was 19 and I’d just woken up. I came down in my robe and I’m like, ‘Who is this guy?!’ My sister tried to explain about the camp and that Pax was leaving the next day, but I didn’t really care.”
Pax, 35, continues, “I was an aspiring comedian and Sholeh was five years older with a law degree – nothing was ever going to happen.”
A year later, Pax returned to Sholeh’s hometown to run another camp.
She tells, “He was there for longer this time and after seeing him running round supporting these young people, I saw him in a new light.”
Despite Pax still thinking he didn’t stand a chance with the beautiful lawyer, he decided to take a leap of faith at the end of his visit, asking Sholeh if she’d like to stay in touch.
“But I acted all lukewarm and casual just in case she said no,” he grins.
As luck would have it, Sholeh also saw a potential future with the handsome, goofy man, who shared her religion and Persian ancestry.
Deeper connection
She explains, “As part of our faith, it was important for us to first spend time getting to know each other on an intellectual and emotional level – to learn about our values and inspirations.”
Their bond deepened as they learnt of the struggles each of their families faced fleeing Iran as refugees to build a new life in Aotearoa.
Sholeh says, “My parents went from Iran to the Philippines, then Canada, where I was born. When my parents separated, my mother took my sister, brother and me to Vanuatu for secondary school, then we moved to Dunedin for university.”
As the attraction between them grew, Pax met Sholeh’s wider family at her cousin’s wedding.
“I turned up in my Hallensteins suit, which felt so foreign,” says Pax. “I was nervous, but I slotted right in, probably because we both come from quite hectic Persian families.”
Both realised their relatives share a certain humility.
“There were qualities I recognised,” explains Pax, who was raised in Auckland, before moving to Hamilton and then Christchurch with his family as a teen. “We both have a crazy uncle and loud cousins, so it was easy to feel at home.”
Meanwhile, Pax’s parents were completely charmed by Sholeh.
“But the Baha’i faith is more about investigating each other’s characters and principles – the glue that will keep you together – then we seek consent from the parents,” she says.
Taking the plunge
After spending a year “talking on the phone and meeting when we could” while Pax worked on his comedy and Sholeh built up her legal career, they decided the time was right to get married.
With more than 100 guests, their wedding in the Canterbury town of Geraldine was far bigger than either could’ve imagined.
“Because my parents came here as refugees, they didn’t really have a wedding,” tells Pax. “They just had a tiny potluck at the Baha’i centre in Whanga¯rei, so they wanted to go all out for us – even though we would’ve preferred something more humble.”
Adds Sholeh, “We’d have happily had a potluck. But it was the most beautiful day, with the best food and we were just happy to be married.”
Today, the devoted couple lives in Auckland with their two daughters, Lua, 11, and Vaha, 10, and they recently celebrated 15 years of marriage. Pax describes their kids as “smart, sassy and articulate”, and there’s lots of laughter at home, thanks to the girls’ epic sense of humour.
But Pax and Sholeh both agree that a long marriage takes work, and they’re committed to facing life’s challenges together.
Pax reflects, “It’s beautiful, awesome and fun, but if I’m honest, there have been some hard times – nothing crazy, but a marriage of 15 years will have its ups and downs. The things that define our marriage are that we both appreciate each other’s company and we try our best to be supportive in every way.”
Married life
Sholeh works four days a week at an Auckland law firm, while Pax’s many creative comedy projects have seen him become a household name. His latest is Settling, an endearing romcom series about what can happen when you don’t meet “the one”, in which he co-stars with Packed To The Rafters actress Hannah Marshall, who was a writer on Pax’s show Raised By Refugees.
“We try to be the best team and to be there for each other,” says Sholeh. “That means learning how to communicate in ways the other person can hear and understand, which is useful for any relationship.”
However, Pax still feels like he struck the love lottery.
“When we first met, Sholeh was a law grad, and I was doing open mics and raw comedy quests,” he muses. “I even did a gig in a laundromat – yet Sholeh still married me, which is totally crazy town.”
Sholeh’s support was also vital for Pax as he juggled filming Settling with writing his funny new memoir Mortified, which focuses on the most embarrassing moments of his life and the lessons they taught him.
The actor confesses, “Early on, I said to Sholeh that I simply wanted to be able to pay our bills with comedy – and Sholeh was happy with that. But we never could’ve predicted that I’d make two sitcoms, host comedy shows, a nature show and The Great Kiwi Bake Off! Where we are today is more than I could’ve ever imagined.”
What’s next?
As for the future, Pax’s enjoying some much-needed downtime.
“I’m in a period of reflection now,” he says. “I’m simmering like a slow cooker, thinking up what to get on the boil next.”
Settling screens 8.30pm Thursdays on Three and streams on ThreeNow.
Mortified is now on shelves, or click here to purchase online ($31.99).
